The Challenge of Sexual Harassment

As a professional who has provided treatment for sexual assault victims for more than 30 years, it’s been interesting to watch the development of current social awareness and mega-news coverage about the topic.  As I write these words, my heart is heavy, and at the same time, hopeful, that we will come out on the other side of this more sensitive and caring for one another.  What could be more important than that?

I submit the following food for thought for those who might be interested:

1)    Almost every woman I know has been sexually harassed, many of them multiple times throughout their life.  99% of women who speak of being sexually assaulted are telling the truth, and many of them, even when they speak up, still minimize the details of their stories, out of the pain of remembering, or fear of being judged or not being believed.  I’m glad women are coming forward to be heard.  For many, the assaults have deeply impacted their professional, personal and sexual lives more than many men can comprehend.  It is important for all of us to pay attention to this reality.

2)    Not all women are irreparably damaged by sexual harassment.  Some are able to choose not to be offended by the misjudgments of men, seeing the men involved to be immature, confused, or emotional needy. These women do not personalize the actions, and are able to avert life-long hurt and maintain their sense of value, refusing to let being victimized define who they are.  These women are rare, and I always admire their ability to hold their sense of dignity when it has been threatened.

3)    Although it is the exception to the rule, I know that not all women who come forth with stories of sexual assault are telling the truth, and it is important to refrain from judgment of either the accused or the accuser until the stories can be ferreted out to be sensitive to the needs of all involved.  I believe that just as it has been a mistake for us as a society to immediately discount the stories of women as they come forth with their pain, it is also a mistake to immediately judge the accused as guilty as if the story HAS to be true, and that the men involved should be punished without a chance for due process.

4)    It has become entirely possible to ruin a man’s life and reputation, and create havoc and deep personal pain, including causing him to lose his job, simply by telling a story, even if it is untrue. This puts all men at risk of being judged and rejected by society, regardless of their innocence or guilt, simply by an expression of a grievance, anger, or mental illness in a disparaging way.  Generalizing guilt to all men accused can be a serious (but understandable) misjudgment given the intensity of rage justified at those men who have been known to abuse.

5)    I do know from working with men over many decades, that we are often confused about how to express our interest women. We fumble. We are anxious.  We guess.  We try.  We often don’t know we are offending until the offense occurs.  Often attempts to support and express admiration or comfort can be interpreted as unwanted behaviors.  It is important that men learn how to express their interest in women in respectful ways, even though many women think men should already know how to do this. More understanding and information needs to be shared openly between the sexes without the anger attached that men “should” know when a woman wants to be touched, for example, when in reality, both men and women often don’t know how to tell.

6)    I, personally, have experienced a number of women attempt to seduce me by making sexual advances and invitations towards me.  I have not blamed them or been angry at them. I have realized they were not trying to hurt me. I have not sought for them to lose their jobs. I have realized they are just trying to feel good, and I don’t blame them for that.  My response was simply to make myself clear, “You and I will not be doing that.”  When the boundary I have set has been heard and respected, the relationships have often been able to continue within those boundaries, and these women have remained my friends.  For those who could not honor those boundaries, the relationships could not continue.  Not every sexual harassment claim has to cost someone their job or have them ostracized from society, particularly when the accused did not know ahead of time the action would be unwanted, or their support would be interpreted as threatening, or if he/she apologizes and expresses a commitment to learn more.  Forgiveness and understanding is possible in some cases, and I have known both men and women to have made this choice with dignity and honor.

7)    As we sort through this messy topic that has impacted so many people in hurtful and devastating ways, I recommend we not let our anger cloud our evaluation of what is said, but that all involved are honored with the greatest respect for their feelings and chances to respond and recover.  Reconciliation is not possible in all cases, but neither is it advisable that we conclude all cases should be treated with expulsion and punishment without examining the particulars of each situation.

8)    When we villainize men whose infractions have been brought to their attention, apologized in response to the mis-step, and then forgiven by the one sharing their story, we send a message that men must be perfect to be acceptable, that they are unforgivable, and we leave no room for them to grow or change into the men we want them to be.  Vengeance has never led any society forward, and must be watched closely, lest we squash the reconciliation we desire. I believe in accountability, but also question the wisdom of punishing someone who has not hurt us personally, and has already been reconciled with their accuser.  This is us choosing to go to war over a matter that those involved have already chosen peace.

9)    I know that many will criticize me for taking a balanced position on these matters, and that most of those strong reactions will come from those with unfinished anger and pain around personal experiences that cause them to think I am being too soft on protecting women.  They would be mistaken, though, not to understand I have spent most of my life protecting and standing for women (and men) who have been hurt, and will continue to do so, because, quite frankly, they deserve it.

Comments/Discussion welcome.

Keeping Marriage Alive 5: Sustaining Real Love

(This is the final column in a five part series on keeping the life in our intimate relationships.)

Most of us have high expectations of married life. We gather up a host of hopes and dreams and put them into one basket called marriage.

It stands to reason, when you think about it. When we are dating, our passions are a flame, adrenaline is flowing, and we have the courage to dream of a future filled with the completion of our heart’s desires.

In a way, you might say, biology plays a trick on us. Our hormones are raging and physiologically we are wired for optimism, excitement, and dreams come true. Our friends and family often join in the excitement, sharing in our heart-felt aspirations.

In addition, we see the happiness of those joining together in elaborate (or at least uniquely special) preparations and ceremonies on TV and in the movies, scenes carefully crafted to fit romantic ideals, with any hints of disappointment or the challenges of actually working out a relationship overlooked or left out.

Yes, we are programmed for high expectations. We emphasize joy, and resist thinking about the challenges. Potential disappointments are minimized. We have the confidence that love will conquer all.

Gradually, real life hits us. The bills come. We have problems on the job. The car breaks down; laundry piles up. Another diaper to change. Another feeding at 3am. We get tired. We get the flu. The checkbook bounces. So many distractions now. Hard to keep focused on our most important friend – our spouse.

Now we’re just living together. We stop talking. Where did that specialness go? The dream starts slipping away. It’s harder than we thought. It takes more work now. What’s wrong with us, we think.

We start to pick at our mate because we’re disappointed. We see his/her shortcomings. Why can’t she change that harping? Why doesn’t he listen to me? Where did the spark go? We slip into ordinary. This is not what we signed up for. Now what?

Hang on . . .there’s hope! Yes, we can get it back! We don’t have to “settle”. What we do need is time to get refocused.

The challenge here may be that we forgot we married to serve. When we were engaged, we thought, “I want to make you happy.” Lately we’ve been thinking, “I’m not happy with him.” The distractions and responsibilities are real, yes. Yet, this is the challenge and gift marriage gives us. How can I continue to love with zest and enthusiasm when the stakes get higher, when I’m no longer receiving the attention I once did from my special one?

One possibility lies in renewing my commitment. This is when I remember I married in order to support and care for, because I wanted to give, because I wanted someone to love.

So the important questions become: What am I no longer doing that I once did that kept our relationship exciting? Am I willing to do these things again? How can I surprise her? What meant the most to him earlier in our relationship? What does he/she need from me now?

This kind of love takes effort, more effort than it took in the beginning. But that’s OK. It’s still worth it. I have been given someone to love. It is part of my purpose on this planet. I will not forget this. I will remember there is joy in serving, in giving, in planning how to make someone’s life special. It remains a mission. I will help my mate grow into the best he/she can be. I realize I made this commitment in the beginning, and that this commitment was part of what brought juice to our relationship.

How will I treat my mate special today, tomorrow, this week?

I will spend 5 minutes today thinking about how to be love to my spouse. I will emphasize it. I will initiate, because I know I want the spark back. I will talk about my wishes with my spouse. I will ask what he/she needs. I will tell him/her what I

We will dream again together. We can! We can again have common goals and desires, and work together to achieve them. I will see a counselor or marriage coach if I need to. I’m open to receiving help. I will not be stopped.

What is it you both need? What is it you both want? Remember the old adage, “United we stand, divided we fall.” Around what goal can you get united? How can you make it fun to work at it together?

(David Larson, licensed psychologist, is a counselor and personal coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)

Keeping Relationships Alive 4: Letting Go of Grudges

(This is the fourth in a five part series on keeping the life in our intimate relationships.)

“When my wife’s upset with me, she sometimes doesn’t talk to me for a couple of weeks,” said one concerned client. “That’s a long time to be in the dog house.”

Yes, indeed! Moments shared with those we love are too precious to squander on prolonged bickering, cold shoulders, and “the silent treatment.”

As I mentioned in a previous section in this series, people often automatically perceive conflict as a problem in a relationship. Conflict itself can be valued because it is evidence that individuals are bringing forth their uniqueness. We realize this may clash with our own. It is not the presence or absence of conflict that signals the health of a relationship, but rather how those moments of conflict are resolved.

If the disagreement leads to deeper understanding of the other person’s perspective on life, an appreciation for that person’s uniqueness, stimulation for growth on the part of both parties, and is worked through in a spirit of respect, the conflict moves the relationship forward.

Conflict becomes a drain on a relationship if the disagreement is used as a mechanism to hurt the other person, tear someone down, see one’s self as “better than,” or does not get resolved promptly.

One of the practices that burdens a relationship is when the pain on either or both sides is not acknowledged, and the negative energy is held within. There is little that will stop a romance faster than holding a grudge. If we are to keep love alive in our marriage, we need to develop the skill of letting go of hurts and disappointments. This is much easier said than done, of course, so let me share a few hints that may help.

1) Let’s consider that our mate, no matter how great he or she is, will not always be able to understand our point of view. We need to have other relationships to reach out to for support that go beyond our mate. When we seek support from others, we can find release in expressing our frustration, and receive support for hanging onto our own self-esteem while our concerns are being worked out. Since we all experience frustration in this area, we can know we are not alone in this struggle.

2) If no one is available to talk to, then we can do something with the pent up energy so it does not depress or distract us from other important activities, such as attending to our children. We can write out our feelings, journal, walk, run, practice a tension releasing breathing technique or yoga, take a hot bath, or use the energy to get something done, like the laundry, the dishes, the lawn, cleaning out the garage or a closet.

3) We can practice seeing the love behind the behavior. Often people have good intentions, but their choice of sharing their love does not fit with what we need. Correcting our spouse, giving advice, even yelling at them, for some people, can be a way they have learned to treat those they love. So don’t take anything personally, and realize that behind that facade of temper, forgetfulness, or insensitivity, is a special creation of God who is trying his or her best to get what they need too. Our partner needs our compassion and understanding as much as we need theirs.

4) Consider lightening up a bit. Sometimes we trap ourselves by taking life too seriously, by making “mountains out of molehills”. We can learn to laugh at ourselves and each other in an appreciative way. Forgive easily. Remind yourself "It is what it is." Let the fun come through.

5) We can keep communicating with our mate. We can approach him/her frequently with statements like, “I want to clear up this little spat we’ve been having”, or “I want you to know how I need to be treated to warm up to you”. We can write a letter if talking doesn’t seem realistic at the moment. This will allows us to choose our words carefully and give the other person time to think about what we’ve said and to respond rather than react.

Note: The goal of understanding and loving our mate does not mean allowing ourselves to be mistreated. If you are in an emotionally, spiritually, mentally, or physically abusive relationship, seek out help immediately to recover the positive life you were created to experience.

(David Larson, Licensed Psychologist, is a counselor and personal coach. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)

Keeping Marriage Alive 3: No Gain in Blame

(This is the third of a five part series in keeping the life in our intimate relationships.)

For any of us it seems, it’s easier to see the shortcomings in our mate than to see our own. We can be very quick to cite our disappointment in something our partner has said or done, believing it is their behavior that produces our dissatisfaction. This, however, is a myth.

When we were first in love, we may have seen the other person as the one who was “making us happy”. It would be more accurate to say it was the other person who helped us see the beauty already present in ourselves. If we believe that it was our partner who “made us happy”, then we will tend to see our partner as the one who makes us sad. This is what is referred to as “co-dependency”.

In a co-dependent relationship, we think life satisfaction comes from someone outside ourselves. Our expectations are high for the other person to be sensitive to our feelings, to stop drinking, to put their clothes away, to cut back on using the charge card, to respond to our sexual desires, and so on. If they don’t, we get mad, resentful, hurt, depressed even.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting things. In fact, it’s important to know what we want, and to ask for what we want. The rub comes when our wants become expectations for the other person to fulfill.

Herein lies a key distinction. It is important we are clear about what we want, and request, but do not demand our spouse be the one to fill this longing.

If I need help with the dishes, it’s important for me to ask. Not demand, not criticize, not complain. This is taking personal responsibility. If I need more help with the kids, I sit down with my partner and we talk through a plan that acknowledges the needs and desires of both partners. We negotiate to a “win-win” solution. This is taking personal responsibility. If my partner does not respond to my requests, I share my feelings about it, not scold, not yell, not blame.

If my partner continues to ignore my requests, I ask myself why I put up with such insensitivity. I put the focus on me. I return to acknowledge what my partner helped me see in the beginning – my worthiness of respect. Instead of expecting something from someone who does not want to give it, I take responsibility to give it to myself – I respect me. I call a friend to vent; I journal in my diary; I get support elsewhere. If this is still not working, I get counseling and keep reaching for a better life.

By taking responsibility to do my part in a respectful way, I sidestep the frustration and blame, and create the space for romance to flourish.

Action Step: Today, I will re-think how directly I ask for what I want in my relationship. Do I use a whiney voice? An angry one? Is there judgment in my words or tone? How can I clean it up? Am I willing to meet my mate in the eyes and let my feelings be known, expecting a positive response?

Today, I will tell my partner how meaningful our relationship is to me, and why it’s important for me to be heard. I am willing to listen back. I negotiate and compromise. I don’t complain. . . I explain. I believe in a positive outcome. It’s very likely my mate wants a happy marriage too. How can I appeal to that side of him or her to instill more cooperation? In short, what will I do to take care of myself in my marriage today?

(David Larson, licensed psychologist, is a counselor and life enrichment coach. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com

Keeping Relationships Alive 2: Appreciating Conflict

(This is the second in a series of five columns on keeping our intimate relationships juicy.)

Some imagine that the perfect marriage is one in which there is no tension, where everything stays on an even keel - no disruptions. If something is not going our way, we think something is wrong. We find ourselves interpreting disappointments as problems. We tend to see conflict as bad.

Today I invite us to consider marriage a partnership where each individual nudges the other to grow, to see things a little differently, where we expand each other’s perceptions of the possibilities. There is evidence of strength in our marriage when our mate helps us become a better person than we were yesterday. This means we are challenged to stretch out of our comfort zone, to be more sensitive to our mate, to be confronted. Our partner is one of our greatest teachers. Part of our calling as a mate is to be a willing student.

Our partner may be giving us opportunities to learn patience. Perhaps he or she can help us see a different point of view. Maybe our partner is there to give us practice in not taking things personally. Perhaps he/she is there to prompt us to develop assertiveness skills by declaring more clearly what is important to us. Maybe we will become more appreciative of diversity as we see how different our partner is from us.

Conflict is an opportunity for growth. Often our partner mirrors back to us the precise things in ourselves we have trouble seeing without help. Our mate is someone who can be honest with us about things most people would not care enough to mention. Their honesty, given with respect, is one of their greatest gifts to us.

Even if your partner is frequently disrespectful or insensitive, it may be your chance to learn to stand up for yourself, to claim yourself as valuable enough to fight for you.

Some of you may discover you are in an abusive relationship. You may have found this relationship so that you can learn something by leaving it. All relationships are gifts, even when they don’t feel good.

So here’s this week’s challenge: What has bugged you about your partner?What gift is there in this irritation for you? What underdeveloped part of you is being called forth by this disappointment or conflict? How can you be a better person because of who this person is in your life?

David Larson is a marriage coach and psychologist. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website,www.callthecoach.com

Keeping Relationships Alive 1: Honoring Uniqueness

What drains a marriage, and what brings life to it? In this series I am addressing several common stumbling blocks that threaten our relationships, as well as thoughts about responding to these concerns.

One common pitfall that would spring a leak in our marriage boat is our attempt to make our partner like ourself. For the most part, human beings have an egocentric nature. We tend to interpret life events from our own perspective and believe our way of doing things to be right. This is the time to remember that there are often many right ways to do most things. Looking for the one right way can be self-limiting. Defending one right way can mean distancing ourselves from our partner.

Sometimes disagreements are about little things, like where to hang the towels, or how to clean the bathroom. Other times the issues are bigger like how to spend the paycheck this week or how to discipline a child. The truth is there are many effective ways to clean a bathroom or discipline a child. If I am willing to let my mate do it his/her way more often, I may be able to side-step a lot of needless hassle, and save that energy for something more productive – like looking for what my mate is doing well.

It is helpful to us to remember that our mate is a unique individual. In fact, it was this uniqueness that we once thought made this person "special". We admired our partner’s esteemed attributes and chose this person because we thought he/she was the best of all the choices we had encountered. Remember, the celebration of diversity is the spice of life in all communities, whether those communities are towns, churches, workplaces, or families.

It is important to know we do not have to "win" over our special one to our position. Our own opinion or feeling about something is very valid, as valid as our spouse's opinion or feeling. Harmony does not mean agreement. It means respecting and blending the differences to make something more beautiful. A C-note does not argue with an F-note on a musical scale. Both are uniquely different and both have something wonderful to offer. Together they may sound quite complimentary. The combination of the two may, in fact, enhance certain chords, such that if one were missing, the impact would be disappointing.

This week, then, make a conscious effort to appreciate your spouse's uniqueness. Do not insist on making your way their way. Observe and enjoy the variety of experiences your different personalities bring to your home. In fact, count them. Make a tick or a check mark on your calendar, notebook, or fridge for every time you notice a special offering from your mate to you or your family. It may be a look of love, the hugging of a child, telling a joke, sweeping the floor, picking up socks. Count up those marks at the end of the week (and month!) Let yourself smile as you see yourselves as equals, yet different, celebrating a partnership that enhances you both.

David Larson, licensed psychologist, is a marriage coach, counselor, and leadership trainer. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)