Different Styles of Teaching: Which Style Are You?

In the 1880’s there lived a rich rancher who was not a particularly spiritual dude. Although he claimed to be a Christian, his actions in the world made this claim a questionable one

One day a poor farmer who had no food sneaked on to the rich farmer’s land and stole a chicken so his family could eat. He was caught by the ranch hands and brought to the rancher. The rancher had little patience for him and said, “Hang ‘im! It’ll teach ‘im a lesson!”

A couple years later, a man from Mexico was trespassing on the rancher’s land. He was very poor and hoping to find a new life. Instead, what he found was the rancher’s men, who brought him to the rancher. With a snap judgment, the rancher said, “Hang ‘im! It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.”

There were many episodes in the rancher’s life like this, in which he never stopped to put himself in other people’s shoes, but simply reacted in anger and judged and condemned them, usually ending with the phrase, “Hang ‘im. It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.”

Then one night the rancher died and saw himself going up to the gates of heaven. The rancher was hoping no one would recognize him and maybe he could just walk in. But just before he got to the gate, St. Peter stepped in front of him and said, “Wait a minute, Jesus wants to talk to you.”

Now the rancher was very worried. He remembered some of the things he had done in his life, and there he was, about to be judged by Jesus himself! For the first time, the rancher was shaking in his boots. Jesus appeared, walked slowly up to the rancher, looked him in the eyes, and then said to St. Peter, “Forgive ‘im. It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.”

*******

If we have been hurt by someone, let this be a year that instead of hurting back, we forgive, and become more like Jesus. It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.

If this be a year when those with less come to us for help, a chance to work, are down on luck, or are in need of our support, let’s be understanding and compassionate, and do our best to lend a hand. It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.

Remember those who mistreat us are acting from fear or ignorance. They are not treating us as we deserve to be treated, so let’s teach them how by “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” They will not learn from our condemnation or judgment. They will learn from our example.

This year, let’s choose the higher path. This year, let’s change ourselves more than trying to change others. This year, as the great Gandhi said, let’s “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

It will require grace and empathy. It will require looking for what’s good in others. It will require using our anger to drive us into being more loving, not less. It will require us becoming more passionate about being compassionate with those we meet at work, at home, or in the community. It will require forgiveness.

Let’s go for it. “It’ll teach ‘em a lesson.”

(Story adapted from Gary Renard’s Your Immortal Reality. David Larson is a psychologist and life coach. He can be reached at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com.)

Holiday Stress: Keeping the Joy of the Season

It is the Season of “Good News of great joy, which shall be to all people.”

Yet for many, it doesn’t feel that way. Even those who anticipate great fun over the Holidays will often feel run down, overstuffed, and worn out by the time Christmas arrives. Being on the go, trying to fill others’ expectations, even trying to fill our own, can leave us feeling pretty empty and tired by the time the ball drops to usher in the New Year.

Some of the most common stressors during this great time of Holiday Cheer include the following:

• Making “getting everything done” the primary goal, rather than the fun of shared activities.

• Sad memories of someone who is no longer near or of holidays when times were better.

• Unrealistic expectations such as hoping this year will finally be the one Uncle Harry doesn’t have too much to drink, or that we can give everyone what they want for Christmas even through resources may be tighter this year.

• Assuming too much responsibility to make the Holidays perfect for loved ones; wanting everyone to be happy so we can be happy.

• 
  Emphasizing gifts, decorating, and meals, and forgetting that people are more important than things, events, or tasks.

• Feeling isolated or alone being drawn back into family get-togethers that carry unpleasant memories of days gone by.

You and I can make sure this doesn’t happen to us this year! Here are some tips for keeping the jolly in your holly.

• Don’t expect perfection. If it comes, great! But if the turkey burns, or the car breaks down, or if you get snowed in somewhere, or you can’t find the gift you wanted to give, remember that life is a blessing. You made it this far. And don’t forget to laugh at yourself!

• Share the workload. Don’t forget to ask for help. You are not single-handedly responsible to make everything work. Be happy for what you do get done, and don’t worry about the rest.

• Remember the love of your loved ones will never die. You can never lose love. Papa’s form may have changed, but his love is always with you.

• Learn to say “no” on occasion – to that extra cookie, that extra helping of potatoes, that party invitation that pushes your schedule a bit too much. Get plenty of sleep. In fact, fall asleep counting your blessings, not your problems.

• Remember the choice of remaining joyful is yours. It is not dependent on anyone else doing what you want them to do. Hang onto the spirit, even if others get grumpy.

• Keep your eyes on the Reason For the Season. It’s not so much about us creating the perfect Christmas as it is about remembering it’s already perfect because of the gift of the Christ Child. Remember, Jesus came into a mess, without lights and fanfare, with a quiet message of “good news, which shall be to all people.” Let the Savior into your heart, and receive the love predestined to be yours long ago.

(David Larson, MS, LP, CPCC, is a psychologist and life fulfillment coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com . )

From Jealousy to Joy by Trusting In Abundance

Jealousy is a form of fear. It is based on a belief in scarcity. I see someone who has something I want – the money, the job, the sense of humor, the confidence, the relationship, the opportunity… and I long for those things to be mine as well.

When this happens to me, I notice I am believing in limitations. I am thinking if you have something I want, I can't have it too. I become aware of my resentment, jealousy's constant companion and fraternal twin.

However, if I believe in abundance - that there is enough to go around for everyone (there really is!) - jealousy can find no stronghold, for I am confident whatever you have is possible for me too - and I can start looking for how to bring it into my life any time I choose.

Jealousy is a dis-ease of “If…then.”

If I had a romance relationship like she has, then I’d be happy. If I could just get out of this romance relationship, then I’d be happy. If I could have children like her, then all will be well. When the kids move out, then I’ll be free. If I could just get a job like his, then life would be easy. If I could only quit my job, then my life will finally be in balance...

This is how I trap myself. I am letting myself believe that my happiness lies in what someone else has in their life, but I don’t yet have in mine.

Getting relief from jealousy requires that I give up my belief in scarcity and trust the abundance that is the reality of the universe. To trust the abundance is to believe there is enough for both you and me. My envy dissolves when I can rejoice in your happiness. The great paradox is the more I am delighted in your good fortune; the more good fortune comes my way.

Of whom are you jealous? Can you identify your belief that supports this feeling? Are you thinking you can't have what someone else has? How can you be sure it is not possible for you to have this in another form? Be careful. Self-fulfilling prophecies are real. If you are like me, sometimes believing something is not available to me actually blinds me from seeing it pass right in front of me.

On the other hand, when you and I believe we can have what we want, it sets in motion the circumstances required to bring it into being. Today I will let my jealousy jar me into believing in my possibilities. How about you?

(David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C., is a licensed psychologist and the founder of the Institute For Wellness. His column appears on alternate Sundays. He can be contacted at 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com.)

How To Help Someone Who Is Suicidal

One in every 10 people will suffer from depression in any given year. Sometimes depression leads to a hopeless despair and temptations to hurt or do away with one’s self.

Those who are on the brink of killing themselves share one thing in common: they have lost the ability to see hope. From their point of view, they have exhausted all possibilities of feeling better, and can see no chance for rectifying their situation or easing their suffering. Though they are mistaken there is no hope, they don’t know they are mistaken. They have lost an ability to see clearly. They are blinded by their own despair.

Most of the time, we can’t understand why someone would kill themselves because we have not been able to put ourselves in their shoes. We do not know the depth of their hopelessness, because we can still see hope.

Here are some ways to help. Know that if you are doing these things, you may be intervening to save a life.

(1) If you suspect someone may be close to destroying themselves, ASK.

“You’ve been looking pretty depressed lately. Have you thought about hurting yourself?” Do not be afraid you are giving the person the idea to kill themselves. If you’re thinking about it, most likely they’ve already thought about it too. And if they’ve been thinking about it, you can be most helpful if you know they’ve been thinking about it. Denial here does not play to anyone’s advantage.

(2) Be COMPASSIONATE, not judgmental.

“Oh, that’s silly…things aren’t that bad!” is not going to win you points. Very depressed people already feel overly criticized. They are oversensitive to any remark that would communicate you think they’re stupid or nuts. Suicidal people do not believe anyone could understand their pain, so try hard to understand it.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed. I want you to know how important you are to me, and I want you to stay alive,” is a much better approach.

(3) TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM.

Be obvious and clear. This is no time to be under-expressive. Say it, and remind them what you appreciate about having them in your life. “I’ve thought so many times how lucky I’ve been to know you…I’d like to remind you how much you mean to me…”

Then tell them in a heartfelt, honest way your appreciation for them. Be direct and notice if they are taking it in. Ask them to look you in the eyes when you’re speaking so they can see your sincerity. Suicidal people feel alienated and alone, and eye contact will help establish a connection that can help them feel better.

(4) Unless they have been abused or you already know they wouldn’t like it, TOUCH THEM.

Physical contact helps ground them with you and keeps them from dissociating. They also can feel your warmth, which is life to them. You want them to feel life around them. Sit with them, hug them, rub their back. Taking time to be with them lets them know they are important to you. They need to know this, both verbally and non-verbally.

(5) ASK THEM TO TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR PAIN.

Listen with both ears. They are needing your attention, so give it to them. They deserve attention. You are not spoiling them or coddling them by being genuinely interested in what’s bothering them. We all deserve this, and when someone is suicidal, they are in need of it right now.

Lastly, if you feel burdened by the responsibility or don’t know what else to do, get someone else’s help too. Never promise you will not tell anyone else, because you may need that option to save a life or keep yourself supported along the way. If the person is not getting relief from their pain in their association with you, help that person get to a doctor or counselor who can provide additional support.

Thank you for caring about those deep in emotional pain. Let me know if you need more support.

(David Larson is a Licensed Psychologist, Personal Life Coach, and Leadership Trainer. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

The Monkey Trap

A wise hunter set up his monkey trap in the jungle. The trap did not involve guns, spears, nooses, cages, nets, or any of the typical ways animals are captured.

This hunter’s weapon was a jar.

The hunter carefully picked a ripe banana from a nearby tree and placed it in the pear-shaped jug. He then set this jar out in the middle of a clearing.

Sure enough, soon a monkey came by and saw the banana in the jar. Curiously and excitedly he reached in and grabbed the banana, embracing his prize of joy.

However, when the monkey tried to remove the banana from the jar, he found he could not pull his hand through the narrow opening with his clenched fist around the banana.

He tried to shake it off. He tried to pull it off with his feet. He ran erratically around the clearing hoping that somehow he would hit upon the secret to getting his hand – and himself – free from his self-imposed prison.

What the hunter knew that the monkey did not, was that the only way the monkey could set himself free would be to let go of the banana.

Clenching onto his perceived prize kept the monkey from noticing there was plenty of fruit on the numerous trees around him. Narrowly focusing on sweet treasure he thought he must have prevented him from receiving the abundance that surrounded him on every side.

How often do we trap ourselves like this?

What’s the banana you need to let go of to set yourself free?

What luscious want are you clasping onto that puts you in your own emotional prison?

What might be available to you if you stopped insisting on having it your way?

Can you take in that you are being taken care of, even when things aren’t going the way you think they should?

In what ways can you begin to trust that all you need is already yours?

Calming Your Life In A Stress-filled World

We live in a fast-paced society, don't we? Managing work with home responsibilities, getting kids to their many activities, and struggling to make ends meet financially challenge our resourcefulness.

For many families, it seems like there is something going every night of the week. We're drawn between family and friends, between hanging out with others or staying at home, between being with family members or being left alone. If it's not the laundry, it’s the dishes or the housecleaning or the garage door repair or the computer problems or the grocery shopping or the meal-making or church activities or, or, or…

The trouble with being so busy is that it forces us to always be leaning our attention into the future. When do I have to be at my next commitment? What's next? If I pick up the kids from school and take them to piano lessons, will I make it to my doctor's appointment on time…?

We cannot place our mind both in the present and in the future at the same time. By needing to keep thinking toward the future, we have trouble remaining in the present. And it is only in the present that joy exists. Even when the future comes, many of us are thinking about the next thing we need to get to, and miss the present then!

The evidence for our society depression can be observed in this high-paced lifestyle. It used to be we enjoyed "Leave It to Beaver" and picnics in the park. Now we seem to need sex on the screen, killing in the movies, and shocking reality shows on TV to feel like we're alive. We've numbed ourselves out from the stress, and need the adrenaline rush to convince us we're having fun.

As with any addiction, the desired emotional effect fades quickly, and we must go back for more distraction to deal with our discomfort. We think the answer to our boredom lies in keeping busy, when often it is busyness that leads to boredom. There is little fulfillment in pushing from activity to activity.

The answer is simple, but not easy. Simple, because changing just one thing can really make a difference. This is it: SLOW DOWN.

I say "not easy" because most of us believe we can't, or we again tell ourselves scary stories about what will happen if we do: " I'll run out of money." " People will think I'm lazy." "Doing more means getting more out of life."

For now, begin with this

Focus your attention on your breathing.

Yep, that’s it.

You don’t have to do anything else. For this week, just pause 3 times a day for 3 minutes and focus on your breathing. Just breathe and notice. If you must do something else while focusing on your breathing, notice something of beauty in front of you, like a flower or the amazing sky.

Simple, isn’t it? Yes, but not easy. You may run into increased levels of anxiety as you begin this. You may have a gremlin in your head or in your family that will try to convince you it’s a waste of time or that it won’t work. Don’t buy into it. Conscious breathing is an effective way to practice single-minded focus, an essential element in experiencing joy.

Stop and smell the roses, my friend. There's time. Really.

(David Larson is a psychologist and personal life coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

Experiencing Relief Now

"You can always cope with the now, but you can never cope with the future, nor do you have to. It doesn’t exist. It's a phantom. The answer, the strength, the right action, or the resource will be there when you need it, not before, not after."

-- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

We cannot have peace when our mind is in the future. We worry by creating scary stories about what could happen, might happen, or will happen. We're afraid we won't be able to control ourselves or our situation or others' decisions that affect us. We worry that our loved ones won't be safe. We worry we won't have enough money. We worry there won't be enough love. We worry about losing our jobs and about our health problems. We even worry about our own funerals!

We lack the faith we will be able to handle it.

In my e-book, How To Stop Your Anxiety Now! (http://www.how-to-stop-your-anxiety-now.com/callthecoach.htm), I ask the questions, "Do you have what you need now?" "Has there ever been a time in your life when you didn't get what you needed?"

The answer to the first question is always "yes". We have what we need in this moment. In this moment, we are alive. In this moment, we are loved. In this moment, we have the ability to improve our situation, whatever it is. ANY time in the future will always end up being a "now", and we will continue to handle it in that now, not this now.

The answer to the second question is always "no". We have always gotten what we needed to survive, or we wouldn't be here. Has it always been fun? No. Has it been painful at times? Yes. Did we always get what we wanted? No. Did we receive what we needed in that moment, in that experience, in that time, to survive, to make it to where we are today? Yes!

The point is we handled it. We always handle it. Perhaps not perfectly. Perhaps not without discouragement or loneliness or challenge. Perhaps we needed lots of support. But we did make it.

We will always make it.

After speaking one day with a woman dying of cancer, I said to her, "I don’t know if I could cope with this if it happened to me."

"Yes, you could," she said. "After all, what's the alternative to coping? Not coping? If it happened to you, you would choose to cope, because coping is better than not coping. And you'll be surprised what you'll learn you can do."

I learned something important that day. Something about my own resourcefulness, something about the power of God, and something about how my needs never go unnoticed, never go unanswered. Even in death, we are headed on to better things.

What is your concern, your worry? Has a friend betrayed you? Is your marriage under great stress? Is someone important to you very sick? Are you lonely? Do you live in constant pain? Have you been a victim of crime? Have you lost your money, your job, a loved one?

I have lived through all of these things. I believe you can too. Your trials may come in a different form, with different types of challenges. But I believe you're up to it.

Whatever we need at the time will be given to us - at that time - in that now. You don't have to worry if you can handle it. You can handle it.

Are you making it? Yes. Are you asking for enough support to make it easier on yourself? I hope so. You are more resourceful than you think.

(David Larson, C.P.C.C., is a Licensed Psychologist and Personal Life Coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )