The Challenge of Sexual Harassment

As a professional who has provided treatment for sexual assault victims for more than 30 years, it’s been interesting to watch the development of current social awareness and mega-news coverage about the topic.  As I write these words, my heart is heavy, and at the same time, hopeful, that we will come out on the other side of this more sensitive and caring for one another.  What could be more important than that?

I submit the following food for thought for those who might be interested:

1)    Almost every woman I know has been sexually harassed, many of them multiple times throughout their life.  99% of women who speak of being sexually assaulted are telling the truth, and many of them, even when they speak up, still minimize the details of their stories, out of the pain of remembering, or fear of being judged or not being believed.  I’m glad women are coming forward to be heard.  For many, the assaults have deeply impacted their professional, personal and sexual lives more than many men can comprehend.  It is important for all of us to pay attention to this reality.

2)    Not all women are irreparably damaged by sexual harassment.  Some are able to choose not to be offended by the misjudgments of men, seeing the men involved to be immature, confused, or emotional needy. These women do not personalize the actions, and are able to avert life-long hurt and maintain their sense of value, refusing to let being victimized define who they are.  These women are rare, and I always admire their ability to hold their sense of dignity when it has been threatened.

3)    Although it is the exception to the rule, I know that not all women who come forth with stories of sexual assault are telling the truth, and it is important to refrain from judgment of either the accused or the accuser until the stories can be ferreted out to be sensitive to the needs of all involved.  I believe that just as it has been a mistake for us as a society to immediately discount the stories of women as they come forth with their pain, it is also a mistake to immediately judge the accused as guilty as if the story HAS to be true, and that the men involved should be punished without a chance for due process.

4)    It has become entirely possible to ruin a man’s life and reputation, and create havoc and deep personal pain, including causing him to lose his job, simply by telling a story, even if it is untrue. This puts all men at risk of being judged and rejected by society, regardless of their innocence or guilt, simply by an expression of a grievance, anger, or mental illness in a disparaging way.  Generalizing guilt to all men accused can be a serious (but understandable) misjudgment given the intensity of rage justified at those men who have been known to abuse.

5)    I do know from working with men over many decades, that we are often confused about how to express our interest women. We fumble. We are anxious.  We guess.  We try.  We often don’t know we are offending until the offense occurs.  Often attempts to support and express admiration or comfort can be interpreted as unwanted behaviors.  It is important that men learn how to express their interest in women in respectful ways, even though many women think men should already know how to do this. More understanding and information needs to be shared openly between the sexes without the anger attached that men “should” know when a woman wants to be touched, for example, when in reality, both men and women often don’t know how to tell.

6)    I, personally, have experienced a number of women attempt to seduce me by making sexual advances and invitations towards me.  I have not blamed them or been angry at them. I have realized they were not trying to hurt me. I have not sought for them to lose their jobs. I have realized they are just trying to feel good, and I don’t blame them for that.  My response was simply to make myself clear, “You and I will not be doing that.”  When the boundary I have set has been heard and respected, the relationships have often been able to continue within those boundaries, and these women have remained my friends.  For those who could not honor those boundaries, the relationships could not continue.  Not every sexual harassment claim has to cost someone their job or have them ostracized from society, particularly when the accused did not know ahead of time the action would be unwanted, or their support would be interpreted as threatening, or if he/she apologizes and expresses a commitment to learn more.  Forgiveness and understanding is possible in some cases, and I have known both men and women to have made this choice with dignity and honor.

7)    As we sort through this messy topic that has impacted so many people in hurtful and devastating ways, I recommend we not let our anger cloud our evaluation of what is said, but that all involved are honored with the greatest respect for their feelings and chances to respond and recover.  Reconciliation is not possible in all cases, but neither is it advisable that we conclude all cases should be treated with expulsion and punishment without examining the particulars of each situation.

8)    When we villainize men whose infractions have been brought to their attention, apologized in response to the mis-step, and then forgiven by the one sharing their story, we send a message that men must be perfect to be acceptable, that they are unforgivable, and we leave no room for them to grow or change into the men we want them to be.  Vengeance has never led any society forward, and must be watched closely, lest we squash the reconciliation we desire. I believe in accountability, but also question the wisdom of punishing someone who has not hurt us personally, and has already been reconciled with their accuser.  This is us choosing to go to war over a matter that those involved have already chosen peace.

9)    I know that many will criticize me for taking a balanced position on these matters, and that most of those strong reactions will come from those with unfinished anger and pain around personal experiences that cause them to think I am being too soft on protecting women.  They would be mistaken, though, not to understand I have spent most of my life protecting and standing for women (and men) who have been hurt, and will continue to do so, because, quite frankly, they deserve it.

Comments/Discussion welcome.

An Introduction to A Course in Miracles

Many are curious about the messages of A Course in Miracles. Here is one way to explain what the Course is about.

Because of the many contradictions that exist in both the New and Old Testaments of the Bible and the TANAKH, and the confusion that results from the lack of consideration of cultural & historical contexts of passages, along with a misunderstanding of translating principles, the message of Jesus (or Jehovah, depending on one's spiritual background) has been convoluted, resulting in more than 20,000 different "Christianities" and many practices of Judaism worldwide. A Course in Miracles is a clarification of of these misunderstandings and a re-focusing on the original messages of Jesus (or Jehovah).

Basic tenets include an understanding that God is Love, and only Love, that we are fully acceptable the way we are, that all apparent "evils" are expressions of fear that we human beings make up, that the Second Coming is awakening to the awareness that we have been misinformed about the nature of God, and that the final judgement is always "Not Guilty."

It is not intended to be a replacement for Christianity or Judaism, or any other religion, but a clarification of God's message for all people. Therefore, it can be embraced by people from any religions and all religions that are aligned with the Love of God.

Because Jesus delivered it in Shakespearian-like Iambic pentameter, the challenge of reading it puts many people off, but many are often drawn back to it by Spirit and the power of it's message, for which every human soul is searching.

For those interested in checking out A Course in Miracles, first reading one of the following books will serve as meaningful introduction to where the Course is headed, and lead to greater understanding of the Course: A Course In Miracles Made Easy by Alan Cohen, The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard, or Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love.

Once absorbing the messages of the Course, one begins to experience miracles on a regular basis. This has certainly been the case for me. It holds the secret to happiness, joy and peace, delivered by the Prince of Peace Himself, and the nearly unfathomable awareness of the depth of God's love that goes far beyond where many religions take us.

Jesus did not come to start a new religion, but he did clarify for us Who God Is, and Who We Are as a result. A Course in Miracles puts an end to fighting and judgement, because we become aligned with what Love really is, that we are one and the same created in His image, and all the reasons for being angry at one another disappear with our illusions of competition, winning, better-than-worse-than, and other dualisms.

In short, it's a ticket to freedom. Not the only ticket, but one very rapid way to get back to uniting with God, an experience which many refer to as "heaven", and one which we need not put off until our perceived death to experience.

Many ideas are challenging for those who already feel they have the "right" answers about God. But as our experience shows, feeling and believing we have the "right" answers is not leading us to Peace, which is evidence itself that we are still missing something. True Peace is effective because it is real. This is an extraordinarily rapid path to getting there. :-)

Sensationalism vs. Reason: The Journey from Blame to Blessing

On a recent road trip, during my 75-minute workout at the hotel fitness center, I noticed one of the TVs was tuned to Fox News. For more than an hour, their only focus was attempting to affix blame on Hillary Clinton for the four deaths in Benghazi 2 ½ years prior.

It’s interesting at no time during the broadcast was there any acknowledgement that while they were discussing Benghazi, four more Americans were shot on American soil, as there has been approximately every 75 minutes for many years now. In fact, more than 80,000 Americans have died from gunshots on our streets and within our homes and schools since the Benghazi attack, more Americans as we lost in the entire Viet Nam War.

Why is it that when 4 Americans are killed by foreigners, it demands top attention from the tabloids years later, but when Americans kill each other on a daily basis, its not worthy of attention from these sensationalist “news” programs? 

Some would say it’s more than just the deaths, but the suspicion that Clinton ignored the need for additional support for the Benghazi compound.

Does the fact that she was responsible for more than 270 embassies and consulates at once leave room for the possibility of an isolated attack in a dangerous part of the world?

Does it make any difference that security upgrades had already been made to the Benghazi compound, and when Clinton requested more resources to protect embassies like Benghazi, such funding was denied by Congress as being too expensive?

Does it matter that the Republican-led House Select Committee, among others, has launched 8 investigations of the Benghazi incident, with 13 hearings and 25,000 pages of reports, and that in all cases it was determined Clinton, the military, the intelligence network, and the CIA all acted appropriately?

And isn’t ironic, that far from being an oversight by the Secretary of State, the reasons given by the attackers at Benghazi for their assault of the Embassy was to defend against the insults of a conservative Florida pastor Terry Jones’ promotion of a film humiliating their spiritual leader, even after the State Department asked him to back off because it was putting Americans overseas in danger?  You may recall that Pastor Jones' previous actions in promoting the burning of Korans also led to 7 other American deaths.

I’m not promoting Clinton here or bashing conservatives; I am advocating for rational thinking and respect.

We must rise out of the immaturity of tunnel vision, misplaced anger, and petty attack of one another. Let’s support each other in growing up. Let us all, republicans and democrats, quit trying to find fault with each other, and do what good American leaders do.  They work together and cooperate for a future that benefits all Americans.

Let’s support politicians that lead with reason.  In order to do this, we as voters must lead with reason and level-headedness first, for it is us who listen to ill-informed “news” tabloids, and it is us who elect those without sound judgment. 

Profound disrespect from Pastor Jones and misguided film makers led to American deaths on more than one occasion.  Profound respect for each other can lead to saving lives in the future.

An Election Post-Mortem: How Love Is Still the Answer

As a psychologist, I have seen a number of individuals over the years who suffer from a condition called “Self-Destructive Personality Disorder” (a disorder often hidden by depression, anxiety, or other personality disorders).  It involves a pattern of behavior where, as a person begins to experience success, they unconsciously self-sabotage that success and return to a particular base-line of pain, because that is what they are used to.

Organizations, even nations, can be affected by this condition too.  I believe the United States suffers from this diagnosis.  Over and over again we experience progress like we have in these recent years, with returning to 5 ½ years of continuous economic expansion, doubling the stock market, driving unemployment down with 10 million new jobs, providing medical care to millions previously denied, investing in infrastructure long overdue, radically driving down the national deficit, ending wars, and the like, and then by pulling back in fear, we threaten the progress that has been made.  (This happened, you may recall, after the Clinton administration put our country back on balanced budgets, which was immediately erased by the next administration). 

Once again we seem to be turning back the other way by electing officials that seek less-than-informed ways to solve our national problems - taking food away from the hungry, establishing laws that keep people from voting, withdrawing funding to educate our young people, denying support to the suffering sick, promoting the shift of welfare for the poor to welfare for the wealthy, advancing abortions by withdrawing women’s and men’s access to family planning clinics, and digging their heals in to make sure we retreat once again back toward a country where the rich and powerful continue to expand their privilege on the backs of the disadvantaged.

Don’t get me wrong.  I support republicans who are caring human beings, yet am still disappointed in the lack of wisdom and denial by many that are not able to see how their fear sets back the progress we’ve worked so hard to achieve.  It has always been the liberals who have advanced our society - to grant women the right to vote, to fight for minorities and the poor, end segregation, care for the elderly, protect the environment, etc.  But conservatives retreating to fear expressed as attack on do-gooders is a common symptom of low self-esteem gone awry.

We’ll see what happens in the 2016 elections.  Will we continue the regression back to the more painful past, or re-gear to move ahead again?

Until our nation is cured from its Self-Destructive Personality Disorder (the cure of which comes through loving the hurting, just as it does in the therapist’s office), the sea-saw effect will continue.  It all depends on when we reach the point of wanting to end the pain, or continue to return to it out of familiarity and fear of moving on to solutions that require change and letting someone else have some good ideas. 

Our nation, and the people in it, deserve to be loved, and if we can risk to move in that direction, we will cure the illness that leaves so many destitute, hungry, ill, homeless, unemployed, and in despair.

Since a 3^rd grader cannot understand the experience of a 6^th grader, those who know how to love must take the lead, not with criticism, but by example.  Let us resist the temptation to attack, and accept the opportunity to support and relieve the fears of those who need our love in order to come home to decency and respect.  I invite all of us to be a part of the solution that heals all wounds – a compassion and effort to use our blessings to bless others - and end the cycle of self-destruction.

The Tragedy of Unneeded Tragedies

I was saddened today to hear the news of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s death. What a tragedy that such a talented man would be self-destructive with drugs!  It has happened to so many – Elvis, Marilyn, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston…what is missing in the lives of these incredible human beings, so talented, yet so unhappy?  

Love.  Self-love.  When success and self-doubt rule over self-care and self-acceptance, the seeds of tragedy are sown.  This certainly underscores that success can be fatal, unless accompanied by a clear sense that we’re all equal, that there’s nothing to prove, and that we are loveable just the way we are no matter what the expectations of others. 

 How well are you treating yourself?  As you pursue your success, are you aware it is all a game, and that you remembering who you are (love) is more important than what you accomplish?  Wouldn’t it be a sad thing for any of us to reach the end of our life, and all we have to show for it is a bunch of achievements? 

Do not sell your soul in pursuing your dreams unless you also maintain the commitment that caring for yourself comes ahead of any achievement or fame one could attain.

Jesus was Freedom Fighter, not a Discriminator

The following is a response to a letter to the editor that appeared in the Albert Lea Tribune advocating acceptance of a Minnesota constitutional amendment to prevent gays and lesbians from marrying.

I appreciate Roger M. Nelson’s sincerity in his recent letter to the editor encouraging us to follow Jesus regarding the upcoming marriage amendment. However, I would like to suggest a different point of view from the conclusions he is drawing about what Jesus would have us do.

If Mr. Nelson had consulted his pastor or some other person who understands the nature of the contexts surrounding Bible passages, he may have discovered that the Romans passage he quotes was one that Jesus never read, and if Jesus had, it’s doubtful he would agree with Mr. Nelson’s interpretation of it. Mr. Nelson would have also likely found out that the writer of this passage was not referring to homosexuality as we know it today. In fact, he would have found that there is no word or phrase in the Greek, Aramaic, or Hebrew languages to describe homosexual orientation at all.

The terms used in Romans 1, 1 Corinthians 6, and 1 Timothy 1, which many assume refer to homosexuality, are inadequate assumptions lacking in substance, as the Greek terminology used was referring to adult sexual activity with youth and rape, which represent abuses of power and of disrespect, not consensual activity between adults who are expressing love to one another.

I suggest that following Jesus means looking at what he said and did, and then trying to emulate that. Jesus was a liberal who defended the disadvantaged and outcasts of society (like women, prostitutes, the poor, the sick, tax collectors, etc.) from the privileged or conservative and pride-filled religious folk he would often confront (Mark 10:21; Matthew 23:23). We who are Christians would be well-advised that those whom Jesus chastised were often the self-righteous, educated and wealthy people in power who tended to see themselves as superior to those of lesser privilege.

If we want to follow the Jesus of the New Testament, we would do well to focus on feeding the poor, taking care of the sick and protecting the rights of those discriminated against in our society.

In my opinion, the government should not use legislation to prohibit the freedoms of its citizens, but to protect them. I support the right of churches to not marry gays if they wish, but they should not support the government in oppressing any minorities, gay or otherwise.       

I am writing as an invitation for us to examine and follow the Jesus of Matthew 22:35-40 and Matthew 7:1, who calls us out of judgment into acceptance and love.

I join with Mr. Nelson in his enthusiasm in considering how Jesus would vote on this amendment and also caution us to be careful about what we determine that means.

I, for one, will stand with the Jesus who defends his loved ones under attack from those who think it their calling to judge and control others. I will instead choose to support and accept those needing my embrace.

I will vote “no” on the upcoming amendment.

Following Jesus Means Love Trumps Judgment

Throughout our history, we Christians have had difficulty agreeing on what Jesus is really calling us to do.  Many times, we have used the Bible to condemn behaviors different from our own.

In the 1930’s and 40’s, some Christians uncomfortable with playing cards defined such as sinful.  In the 50’s, Christian used the Bible to proclaim dancing as taboo (Exodus 32: 19-21, 31).  In the 60’s & 70’s, you were sinning if you married a divorced person (Matt. 5: 31, 32). In the 90’s and 2000’s  - and still today - some Christians use the Bible to condemn homosexuals (Rom. 1: 26, 27). 

How we understand the Bible changes over time.  And it should.  If we are truly becoming more like Christ, as we move forward to mature in our faith, we will change. We will grow. We will become more like Him – more loving, more accepting, more welcoming of those different from ourselves.  As He demonstrated with the Woman at the Well (John 4), Zaccheaus (Luke 19), the Woman Caught in Adultery (John 7:53ff), and those crucifying him (Luke 23:34), this was His role-modeling.  Christians today who truly want to follow Him seek to spend less time judging, more time forgiving, less time excluding, more time including, less time rejecting, more time accepting.

For most Christians, it is no longer sinful to play cards, dance, or marry a divorced person.  Within a few years, most Christians will no longer consider it sinful to be homosexual.  We will instead refuse to participate in Sodom and Gomorrah’s sin (Ezekiel 16:49), and become ever more compassionate to those different from ourselves.

This will be a good thing.  Jesus prayed that we would all be One as He and His Father were One (John 17:9-11).  This can only happen when we stop our judging of others (Matt 7:1) and see us all as Children of God. 

Many gays are devout Christians.  Many of those who aren’t do not participate because when they sought the love of God in church, they could not find it there.

We all have the same Source, the same Creator.  And God does not condemn any of His children. Indeed, as Jesus said, “none have been lost” (John 17: 12).

The Prodigal Father  (Luke 15:20) was not interested in how the younger son was different from the older son. He was only interested in welcoming him home.  As we become more like the Jesus we follow, we too will be less concerned about judging others who are different, and more concerned about warmly accepting everyone into our midst.

I believe Jesus smiles as we become more like Him - when we recognize his Greatest Commandment  (Matt. 22: 36-40) trumps any other rule we may be compelled to embrace.

I share in Jesus’ hope that we will shed the responsibility we feel to be judges of each other. As we drop this judgment, we will finally become One, living the love of Jesus with all.