How To Help Someone Who Is Suicidal

One in every 10 people will suffer from depression in any given year. Sometimes depression leads to a hopeless despair and temptations to hurt or do away with one’s self.

Those who are on the brink of killing themselves share one thing in common: they have lost the ability to see hope. From their point of view, they have exhausted all possibilities of feeling better, and can see no chance for rectifying their situation or easing their suffering. Though they are mistaken there is no hope, they don’t know they are mistaken. They have lost an ability to see clearly. They are blinded by their own despair.

Most of the time, we can’t understand why someone would kill themselves because we have not been able to put ourselves in their shoes. We do not know the depth of their hopelessness, because we can still see hope.

Here are some ways to help. Know that if you are doing these things, you may be intervening to save a life.

(1) If you suspect someone may be close to destroying themselves, ASK.

“You’ve been looking pretty depressed lately. Have you thought about hurting yourself?” Do not be afraid you are giving the person the idea to kill themselves. If you’re thinking about it, most likely they’ve already thought about it too. And if they’ve been thinking about it, you can be most helpful if you know they’ve been thinking about it. Denial here does not play to anyone’s advantage.

(2) Be COMPASSIONATE, not judgmental.

“Oh, that’s silly…things aren’t that bad!” is not going to win you points. Very depressed people already feel overly criticized. They are oversensitive to any remark that would communicate you think they’re stupid or nuts. Suicidal people do not believe anyone could understand their pain, so try hard to understand it.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed. I want you to know how important you are to me, and I want you to stay alive,” is a much better approach.

(3) TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM.

Be obvious and clear. This is no time to be under-expressive. Say it, and remind them what you appreciate about having them in your life. “I’ve thought so many times how lucky I’ve been to know you…I’d like to remind you how much you mean to me…”

Then tell them in a heartfelt, honest way your appreciation for them. Be direct and notice if they are taking it in. Ask them to look you in the eyes when you’re speaking so they can see your sincerity. Suicidal people feel alienated and alone, and eye contact will help establish a connection that can help them feel better.

(4) Unless they have been abused or you already know they wouldn’t like it, TOUCH THEM.

Physical contact helps ground them with you and keeps them from dissociating. They also can feel your warmth, which is life to them. You want them to feel life around them. Sit with them, hug them, rub their back. Taking time to be with them lets them know they are important to you. They need to know this, both verbally and non-verbally.

(5) ASK THEM TO TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR PAIN.

Listen with both ears. They are needing your attention, so give it to them. They deserve attention. You are not spoiling them or coddling them by being genuinely interested in what’s bothering them. We all deserve this, and when someone is suicidal, they are in need of it right now.

Lastly, if you feel burdened by the responsibility or don’t know what else to do, get someone else’s help too. Never promise you will not tell anyone else, because you may need that option to save a life or keep yourself supported along the way. If the person is not getting relief from their pain in their association with you, help that person get to a doctor or counselor who can provide additional support.

Thank you for caring about those deep in emotional pain. Let me know if you need more support.

(David Larson is a Licensed Psychologist, Personal Life Coach, and Leadership Trainer. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

The Monkey Trap

A wise hunter set up his monkey trap in the jungle. The trap did not involve guns, spears, nooses, cages, nets, or any of the typical ways animals are captured.

This hunter’s weapon was a jar.

The hunter carefully picked a ripe banana from a nearby tree and placed it in the pear-shaped jug. He then set this jar out in the middle of a clearing.

Sure enough, soon a monkey came by and saw the banana in the jar. Curiously and excitedly he reached in and grabbed the banana, embracing his prize of joy.

However, when the monkey tried to remove the banana from the jar, he found he could not pull his hand through the narrow opening with his clenched fist around the banana.

He tried to shake it off. He tried to pull it off with his feet. He ran erratically around the clearing hoping that somehow he would hit upon the secret to getting his hand – and himself – free from his self-imposed prison.

What the hunter knew that the monkey did not, was that the only way the monkey could set himself free would be to let go of the banana.

Clenching onto his perceived prize kept the monkey from noticing there was plenty of fruit on the numerous trees around him. Narrowly focusing on sweet treasure he thought he must have prevented him from receiving the abundance that surrounded him on every side.

How often do we trap ourselves like this?

What’s the banana you need to let go of to set yourself free?

What luscious want are you clasping onto that puts you in your own emotional prison?

What might be available to you if you stopped insisting on having it your way?

Can you take in that you are being taken care of, even when things aren’t going the way you think they should?

In what ways can you begin to trust that all you need is already yours?

Calming Your Life In A Stress-filled World

We live in a fast-paced society, don't we? Managing work with home responsibilities, getting kids to their many activities, and struggling to make ends meet financially challenge our resourcefulness.

For many families, it seems like there is something going every night of the week. We're drawn between family and friends, between hanging out with others or staying at home, between being with family members or being left alone. If it's not the laundry, it’s the dishes or the housecleaning or the garage door repair or the computer problems or the grocery shopping or the meal-making or church activities or, or, or…

The trouble with being so busy is that it forces us to always be leaning our attention into the future. When do I have to be at my next commitment? What's next? If I pick up the kids from school and take them to piano lessons, will I make it to my doctor's appointment on time…?

We cannot place our mind both in the present and in the future at the same time. By needing to keep thinking toward the future, we have trouble remaining in the present. And it is only in the present that joy exists. Even when the future comes, many of us are thinking about the next thing we need to get to, and miss the present then!

The evidence for our society depression can be observed in this high-paced lifestyle. It used to be we enjoyed "Leave It to Beaver" and picnics in the park. Now we seem to need sex on the screen, killing in the movies, and shocking reality shows on TV to feel like we're alive. We've numbed ourselves out from the stress, and need the adrenaline rush to convince us we're having fun.

As with any addiction, the desired emotional effect fades quickly, and we must go back for more distraction to deal with our discomfort. We think the answer to our boredom lies in keeping busy, when often it is busyness that leads to boredom. There is little fulfillment in pushing from activity to activity.

The answer is simple, but not easy. Simple, because changing just one thing can really make a difference. This is it: SLOW DOWN.

I say "not easy" because most of us believe we can't, or we again tell ourselves scary stories about what will happen if we do: " I'll run out of money." " People will think I'm lazy." "Doing more means getting more out of life."

For now, begin with this

Focus your attention on your breathing.

Yep, that’s it.

You don’t have to do anything else. For this week, just pause 3 times a day for 3 minutes and focus on your breathing. Just breathe and notice. If you must do something else while focusing on your breathing, notice something of beauty in front of you, like a flower or the amazing sky.

Simple, isn’t it? Yes, but not easy. You may run into increased levels of anxiety as you begin this. You may have a gremlin in your head or in your family that will try to convince you it’s a waste of time or that it won’t work. Don’t buy into it. Conscious breathing is an effective way to practice single-minded focus, an essential element in experiencing joy.

Stop and smell the roses, my friend. There's time. Really.

(David Larson is a psychologist and personal life coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

Experiencing Relief Now

"You can always cope with the now, but you can never cope with the future, nor do you have to. It doesn’t exist. It's a phantom. The answer, the strength, the right action, or the resource will be there when you need it, not before, not after."

-- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

We cannot have peace when our mind is in the future. We worry by creating scary stories about what could happen, might happen, or will happen. We're afraid we won't be able to control ourselves or our situation or others' decisions that affect us. We worry that our loved ones won't be safe. We worry we won't have enough money. We worry there won't be enough love. We worry about losing our jobs and about our health problems. We even worry about our own funerals!

We lack the faith we will be able to handle it.

In my e-book, How To Stop Your Anxiety Now! (http://www.how-to-stop-your-anxiety-now.com/callthecoach.htm), I ask the questions, "Do you have what you need now?" "Has there ever been a time in your life when you didn't get what you needed?"

The answer to the first question is always "yes". We have what we need in this moment. In this moment, we are alive. In this moment, we are loved. In this moment, we have the ability to improve our situation, whatever it is. ANY time in the future will always end up being a "now", and we will continue to handle it in that now, not this now.

The answer to the second question is always "no". We have always gotten what we needed to survive, or we wouldn't be here. Has it always been fun? No. Has it been painful at times? Yes. Did we always get what we wanted? No. Did we receive what we needed in that moment, in that experience, in that time, to survive, to make it to where we are today? Yes!

The point is we handled it. We always handle it. Perhaps not perfectly. Perhaps not without discouragement or loneliness or challenge. Perhaps we needed lots of support. But we did make it.

We will always make it.

After speaking one day with a woman dying of cancer, I said to her, "I don’t know if I could cope with this if it happened to me."

"Yes, you could," she said. "After all, what's the alternative to coping? Not coping? If it happened to you, you would choose to cope, because coping is better than not coping. And you'll be surprised what you'll learn you can do."

I learned something important that day. Something about my own resourcefulness, something about the power of God, and something about how my needs never go unnoticed, never go unanswered. Even in death, we are headed on to better things.

What is your concern, your worry? Has a friend betrayed you? Is your marriage under great stress? Is someone important to you very sick? Are you lonely? Do you live in constant pain? Have you been a victim of crime? Have you lost your money, your job, a loved one?

I have lived through all of these things. I believe you can too. Your trials may come in a different form, with different types of challenges. But I believe you're up to it.

Whatever we need at the time will be given to us - at that time - in that now. You don't have to worry if you can handle it. You can handle it.

Are you making it? Yes. Are you asking for enough support to make it easier on yourself? I hope so. You are more resourceful than you think.

(David Larson, C.P.C.C., is a Licensed Psychologist and Personal Life Coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

Perrrrfect Role Modeling from a Cat

I find it amazing what I learn when I pause to notice what's going on around me.

For example, a whole new world has opened up to me since I started taking more time to notice the variety of aromas and fragrances there are in the world.

Do you know how many textures there are on a single orange? Do you know how many colors there are on one? If you've never noticed, you'll be surprised when you check it out !

When you see flowers, do you take time to smell them? More than once? Whenever there are flowers in our home, I smell them every day! They've helped me notice beauty around me when I could have missed it by hurrying by.

Are you like me sometimes, when I realize I am rushing so quickly toward happiness that I step over the joy that is right here, right now?

Here are some of the gifts I have received from my cats - reminders really - of how to live life with minimum stress:

Stretch several times a day.

Bathe yourself often.

Shed what is no longer useful for you.

If you have an itch, take care of it.

Take frequent naps.

Do not resist what is.

Be ready for anything.

Keep your balance at all times.

Make entertainment out of simple pleasures.

Learn to relax almost anywhere.

Know what you want.

Trust yourself.

Be curious about everything - it's the spice of life.

Take in stroking from others.

If someone is doing something that bothers you, leave.

When you want attention, ask for it gently, and persistently.

Sleep when you are tired.

Purr when you are satisfied.

Cuddle up close to the ones you love.

David Larson is a Life Fulfillment Coach. He works with people who want to live exceptional lives. He can be reached at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

Will You Choose To Let Yourself Feel Good Today?

Psychiatrist Eric Berne discussed in his book, Games People Play, how we tend as human beings to set ourselves up to feel bad. It seems illogical that we would do this.Yet when I observe myself and others, I have noticed many of us seem to have an obsession for doing so.

One way we do this is to value having control over being at peace. I have often heard people say something like this: “I expect things to go wrong, so that when they do, I'm not so disappointed.” It's as if we would rather things go negatively in the future and be right, than to feel good in the present right now.

We might be like young woman I met on a plane a few years ago who was so afraid the plane would crash, she was already experiencing the fear as if we were crashing in that moment. She brought the terror of an unlikely future event into the present so she could feel bad now.

I recognize ways I have done this include reacting negatively to an unexpected bill in the mail or worrying that someone won't like me. Do you ever experience struggling with anxiety like this?

This dynamic is all unconscious, of course, so we may be surprised when we notice such a pattern in ourselves, even if we've been doing it for many years. We are like the fish who has been in water so long, it doesn't even know it's in water.

One way to cope with, and even change this self-destructive phenomenon, is to let ourselves choose conscious awareness. For example, few of us realize without thinking about it much, that now is all we have, and the future is just a fantasy. We make it up. Even when the so-called “future” comes, it is only a now in that moment. In other words, there is no way to the future. There is only experiencing the now.

So what will you do with your continual, everlasting now?

I invite you to join me in staying focused on what is good about this very moment. Let 's let go of punishing stories about our past or anticipated disappointments about the future. What's good about what's happening right now?

Even if we are in physical pain or financial turmoil, or there is stress in our job or in our relationship, there is much to focus on that is still good. We can choose this.

Remember, you have always survived every crisis thus far in your life, and you will continue to do so. Know that life itself survives - and can still thrive - within you. Let's no longer pummel ourselves about our past or scare ourselves about the future. Let's find gratitude for what is in this moment.

It's time to feel better. Right now.

Love in Action: Can a Nation Learn from a Church?

Recently I attended a gathering of my church, the Southeastern MN Lutheran Synod Assembly, where representatives of 184 congregations came together to discuss what we believe and why, and sort through challenging issues of our day in light of the Christian faith we share.

In one resolution this year, Lutherans are considering a Recommendation on Ministry Policies to allow non-celibate gay or lesbian persons to serve as ordained pastors in the Church, if called by a congregation to do so. There would be no religious sanction in favor of nor restriction against allowing such a pastor to serve, and individual congregations would not be required by anyone else's proclamation to accept or reject gays. Each congregation and each bishop is supported in being bound by their own conscience to do what they think is right, without forcing any other congregation or bishop to respond in the same way.

This is a compromise of sorts, as the Lutheran Church has struggled with how to reconcile sacred scriptural texts with the realities of human experience.

Those who are familiar with the Christian faith know of the Scriptures such as Romans 13:10, “Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love fulfills the law," I John 4:7-8, "He who loves is born of God and knows God; he who does not love does not know God, for God is love," and Matt 22:36-39, where when Jesus was asked by the Pharisees to sum up his message in a concise statement, gave us "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Jesus did seem to spend much of his life showing us what that love meant: including people, welcoming, forgiving, supporting, encouraging, giving hope. One need only remember his protection of the prostitute who was to be stoned according to the “law” for sleeping with someone who was not her husband, or his encounter with Zacchaeus the crooked tax collector, or his association with nobody fisherman - to know that for Jesus, love meant accepting, not condemning; confronting judgment, not participating in it; and believing in the capability of all human beings to be of service, to be capable of love.

Some disagree with this understanding of Jesus, citing passages such as Lev. 18:22, Rom 1:26-27 or I Cor. 6, 9-10, all of which have been used by some faithful Christians to justify excluding, judging, and rejecting their brothers and sisters who are gay.

Thankfully, the brilliance of the Lutheran Church's Recommendation, which acknowledges the varied and often opposing passionate perspectives of Christians from both sides of the issue, calls us to be sensitive to each other's feelings. It places unity of spirit ahead of agreement on social issues, and honors the sincerity of each Christian's faith, despite different personal points of view. In this way, all are respected for their opinions, and we live the love of giving freedom to others, not controlling them. This approach allows us to continue to worship, commune, pray and support each other in living out the life and love of Jesus as each of us feels called to do, regardless of our differences. In this document, Lutherans agree to disagree.

Although Christians on neither side of this issue 'win” over the other, we remain respectful of the traditions, insights and revelations given each of us in our relationship to God. We stop fighting.

What we do end up agreeing on is that our love for each other trumps needing to have others see it our way. Caring becomes more important than being right. God's children with gay orientation not only have a chance to come “home,” but are allowed to love and serve their Creator as fervently and passionately as straights. Those opposed to welcoming gays are not forced to do so, but allowed to follow their own conscience as well. Instead of making one group wrong or right over the other, it is Love that wins, for the benefit of everyone.

Perhaps we as Americans can learn from the Lutheran Church. As fellow citizens, no matter what our positions on immigrants, poverty, taxes, or any other issue that divides us, we can come together acknowledging we are all Americans, all brothers and sisters of the same nation. In fact, it would do well for us to remember we are all citizens of the same world, all needing to be heard, loved, and kept in the family.

It is uncertain whether the Recommendation discussed here will pass at the National Church Assembly in August. But I treasure the attempt we are making to keep the love of Jesus foremost, ahead of dissenting personal beliefs about a subject on which disagreement still abounds.

May Grace rule our hearts, challenge our thinking, and guide our behavior.