Keeping Relationships Alive 2: Appreciating Conflict

(This is the second in a series of five columns on keeping our intimate relationships juicy.)

Some imagine that the perfect marriage is one in which there is no tension, where everything stays on an even keel - no disruptions. If something is not going our way, we think something is wrong. We find ourselves interpreting disappointments as problems. We tend to see conflict as bad.

Today I invite us to consider marriage a partnership where each individual nudges the other to grow, to see things a little differently, where we expand each other’s perceptions of the possibilities. There is evidence of strength in our marriage when our mate helps us become a better person than we were yesterday. This means we are challenged to stretch out of our comfort zone, to be more sensitive to our mate, to be confronted. Our partner is one of our greatest teachers. Part of our calling as a mate is to be a willing student.

Our partner may be giving us opportunities to learn patience. Perhaps he or she can help us see a different point of view. Maybe our partner is there to give us practice in not taking things personally. Perhaps he/she is there to prompt us to develop assertiveness skills by declaring more clearly what is important to us. Maybe we will become more appreciative of diversity as we see how different our partner is from us.

Conflict is an opportunity for growth. Often our partner mirrors back to us the precise things in ourselves we have trouble seeing without help. Our mate is someone who can be honest with us about things most people would not care enough to mention. Their honesty, given with respect, is one of their greatest gifts to us.

Even if your partner is frequently disrespectful or insensitive, it may be your chance to learn to stand up for yourself, to claim yourself as valuable enough to fight for you.

Some of you may discover you are in an abusive relationship. You may have found this relationship so that you can learn something by leaving it. All relationships are gifts, even when they don’t feel good.

So here’s this week’s challenge: What has bugged you about your partner?What gift is there in this irritation for you? What underdeveloped part of you is being called forth by this disappointment or conflict? How can you be a better person because of who this person is in your life?

David Larson is a marriage coach and psychologist. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website,www.callthecoach.com

Keeping Relationships Alive 1: Honoring Uniqueness

What drains a marriage, and what brings life to it? In this series I am addressing several common stumbling blocks that threaten our relationships, as well as thoughts about responding to these concerns.

One common pitfall that would spring a leak in our marriage boat is our attempt to make our partner like ourself. For the most part, human beings have an egocentric nature. We tend to interpret life events from our own perspective and believe our way of doing things to be right. This is the time to remember that there are often many right ways to do most things. Looking for the one right way can be self-limiting. Defending one right way can mean distancing ourselves from our partner.

Sometimes disagreements are about little things, like where to hang the towels, or how to clean the bathroom. Other times the issues are bigger like how to spend the paycheck this week or how to discipline a child. The truth is there are many effective ways to clean a bathroom or discipline a child. If I am willing to let my mate do it his/her way more often, I may be able to side-step a lot of needless hassle, and save that energy for something more productive – like looking for what my mate is doing well.

It is helpful to us to remember that our mate is a unique individual. In fact, it was this uniqueness that we once thought made this person "special". We admired our partner’s esteemed attributes and chose this person because we thought he/she was the best of all the choices we had encountered. Remember, the celebration of diversity is the spice of life in all communities, whether those communities are towns, churches, workplaces, or families.

It is important to know we do not have to "win" over our special one to our position. Our own opinion or feeling about something is very valid, as valid as our spouse's opinion or feeling. Harmony does not mean agreement. It means respecting and blending the differences to make something more beautiful. A C-note does not argue with an F-note on a musical scale. Both are uniquely different and both have something wonderful to offer. Together they may sound quite complimentary. The combination of the two may, in fact, enhance certain chords, such that if one were missing, the impact would be disappointing.

This week, then, make a conscious effort to appreciate your spouse's uniqueness. Do not insist on making your way their way. Observe and enjoy the variety of experiences your different personalities bring to your home. In fact, count them. Make a tick or a check mark on your calendar, notebook, or fridge for every time you notice a special offering from your mate to you or your family. It may be a look of love, the hugging of a child, telling a joke, sweeping the floor, picking up socks. Count up those marks at the end of the week (and month!) Let yourself smile as you see yourselves as equals, yet different, celebrating a partnership that enhances you both.

David Larson, licensed psychologist, is a marriage coach, counselor, and leadership trainer. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)

Sometimes It's Even Better Than You Expect

Every once in a while, you have one of those experiences you know you’ll never forget.

Such was the case for me in visiting the Palace Grill in Old Town Santa Barbara. A taste of New Orleans in a small California city, they don’t take reservations - you show up and stand outside on the sidewalk, waiting for an opening to appear from a packed house of hungry, delighted souls enjoying a wide variety of Cajun cuisine. No worries, though, as the waiting patronage seems to consist of excitedly friendly folks all anticipating their turn to sample the hot appetizers served cheerfully on the house by a staff voted 22 years in a row as the best in Santa Barbara.

We were greeted and seated at our table by the owner, a black man dressed in a polo shirt and beads, with a smile that made me think he’d been waiting for us all night long. As I pass the large framed paintings of Bourbon Street-type horn players, I notice the fascinating aromas wharfing over the partition of the open kitchen where scrumptious meals are being prepared over open fire. I look up to see a giant shark light fixture beaming a soft light, exposing the smiles of couples romanced by the delectable tastes of flavorful fish, stake, or pasta combinations placed before them by the cheery waiters and waitresses. I look up to see the ace of hearts tacked above my head among assorted cards distributed all over the ceiling.

The first of many servers arrives to give us an assortment of five specialty mini-muffins including orange-apricot, molasses-date, and buttermilk-rosemary. We order a starter of coconut shrimp, which ended up being large enough to be an entree in itself. My Catfish Creole with crawfish was trumped only by Carol’s Chicken Marsala with a vegetable blend consisting of carrots and green squash in a seasoned butter sauce, braised to perfection.

Before finishing our main course, another waitress set down a portfolio next to each of our plates as if she had already prepared our bill. I thought it was a bit early for the check, but we were instructed not to open it until we were told, so we continued our conversation about the delectable tastes of various mushrooms, seasonings, and spices.

At precisely 8 o’clock, the entire staff of waiters, waitresses, chefs, busboys, cooks & greeters paraded out in the dining room scattering themselves as if to make some kind of presentation.

In moment we begin to hear Louie Armstrong’s voice come over the loudspeakers singing “What a Wonderful World” as we are instructed to open our portfolios containing the lyrics to the song and sing along. The entire restaurant bellowed robustly as we were reminded of the many blessings we all have, including the incredible meals we were currently eating. At that moment, I felt “at home,” realizing these servers had just knit together a bunch of strangers who had never met each other, unified in gratitude. The song lyrics were collected and we all continued our in culinary adventures.

A while later, someone broke out in a happy birthday song and the entire dinning room spontaneously joined in to wish the happy soul an inspiring celebration, followed by unanimous applause.

We finished the evening with a bread pudding soufflé with creamed whiskey sauce. We exited the restaurant fully understanding why all those people coming out the front door while we had been waiting to go in were oozing such joy.

It’s as if we had gone in and out of a dream, not sure if what we had just experienced really happened, but the smiles on our faces and the lightness in our hearts gave a clue that the experience was indeed the real thing.

Sometimes life just can’t get any better.

(David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C., is a Licensed Psychologist and Life Coach. He can be reached at 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)

Affirming What You Want Determines What You Get

An affirmation is a thought or statement that affirms what is true or will be true shortly. Many people repeat affirmations to themselves to help them change inaccurate beliefs they have adopted through misinformation or misinterpretation of experiences.

Since our beliefs create our reality, taking responsibility to manage our thoughts and words determines our ability to cope with what’s happening in any given moment, and impacts what we experience in the future.

Affirmations are most powerful when stated positively, in the first person, are brief and to the point, and are repeated often. Just like with negative statements, when said with emotion and conviction, their power increases substantially.

Earl Nightingale said, “We become what we think about all day long.” If this is true, it would be wise to follow the wisdom of the knight advising Indiana Jones in “The Last Crusade.” When faced with picking from a host of chalices the one that would determine if he would live or die, he was advised, “Choose wisely.”

Just as Indiana’s choice determined his fate, so do our choices determine ours.

We can create our own affirmations at any time to affirm what we want to manifest in our life. If you would feel supported by a few suggestions to start with, borrow from my list below.

Here is an affirmation for every day of the month. Feel free to cut them out or copy and put it on your refrigerator or mirror for daily reminders. Practice saying them to yourself or out loud with a smile on your face and hope in your heart. You do not have to believe affirmations from the beginning. As you notice your statements turn out to be true over time, your faith will come! Start with the ones that attract you most, and enjoy the adventure.

1. Everything’s going perfectly.
2. I live in an abundant universe. I always have everything I need.
3. My thoughts are loving and positive.
4. Good things come to me easily.
5. I’m always in the right place at the right time.
6. I congratulate myself often.
7. I forgive myself, knowing I always do the best I can at the time.
8. I love getting there as much as being there.
9. Everything’s right on schedule.
10. I have all the money I need and want.
11. I focus on what I love and thus draw it to me.
12. I spend quiet, reflective time. I hear my inner guidance.
13. I find the lesson in every experience.
14. I am a special and unique person.
15. I let God love others through me every day.
16. I let go easily, trusting that nothing leaves my life unless something better is coming.
17. I change the world around me by changing myself.
18. I give generously to myself.
19. I love and appreciate myself just as I am.
20. The more I love myself, the more love I have available to give others.
21. My energy is focused and directed towards my goals.
22. I am relaxed and centered. I have plenty of time for everything.
23. All things are now working together for good in my life.
24. I’m beautiful and loveable however I’m feeling.
25. It’s good to express my feelings. I now give myself permission to express my feelings.
26. I’m glad I was born and I love being alive.
27. I am now being guided to the perfect solution to this problem.
28. Divine love is guiding me this very moment.
29. I am a precious child of God.
30. God’s love and peace shine through me.
31. I have abundance in every area of my life.

As we choose our thoughts, we create our life. Enjoy!

(David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C., is a licensed psychologist and life coach. He is the founder of the Institute For Wellness. He can be contacted at 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com.)

Choose to Be Happy, Even If for No Reason At All

I was having a particularly difficult day. You know, one of those where everybody wants you at the same time, unexpected invoices appear in your mailbox, and your body is aching due to a few bad choices from the previous day. Although it seemed I was getting three phone messages for every one I could return, I took the next call when the phone rang in front of me. A friend was on the other end of the line.

I whined a bit about my plight, blowing off a little steam. After a bit, she said, “Well, I guess today you’ll have to be happy for no reason.”

It was one of those moments when I was stopped in my tracks. It jarred me out of my illusion that the world was conspiring against me. My friend was reminding me that my joy is not dependent on what the world is dishing out at any particular time. I was reconnected with the truth that I bring my attitude to whatever is happening, not the other way around.

I know, sometimes its more fun to stay deluded. If I can blame you, the world, or God for what is going on or not going on in my life, perhaps I can dump my bad mood and pass it along to someone else. At times, it seems easier than taking responsibility to remember my attitude is the one thing I DO have control over.

Yes, sometimes it feels like more work to admit that it’s up to me to decide how I will view what comes my way. But this is usually followed by the energizing realization that being responsible for my self is very good news for precisely the same reason - I am in full control of changing my life, and no one can stop from doing so. Wow! Now that IS good news!

If you need to renew your commitment to being responsible for your attitude, where do you begin? Here are a few suggestions:

(1) Starting with a few memorized affirmations will get you out of the gate. Set your watch to beep at the top of every hour and repeat the following to yourself: “I am in control of my future. I am not a victim. I make choices that improve my life, every day, every hour.”

(2) Make a pact with a friend that you will call each other on your negative attitudes. Whenever either of you hears the other slipping into negativity, agree to remind each other that you’re committed to something different now - a new life focused on happier thoughts. With any rose, we can focus on the soft, colorful petals, or the sticky thorns. We are choosing to put more energy into noticing the petals.

(3) Keep a journal of things you are thankful for. Write in it every day. One minute a day will change your life. All of us experience disappointments, but don’t let that keep you from recalling the many things that are good in every moment. Most of us can be grateful our eyes still see, our heart still beats, there is food in the refrigerator, we are blessed with a job (or will be soon), and somebody always loves us (God, if no one else).

Even if these things are not sufficient, join me in resorting to the decision: “I will choose to be happy for no reason, and face the world from that place.”

If you need more help with this, there is even a book out titled Happy for No Reason, filled with support to reclaim your personal power to feel good.

Things are looking up! Are you?

(David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C., is a Licensed Psychologist and Life Coach. He can be reached at 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com .)

Different Styles of Teaching: Which Style Are You?

In the 1880’s there lived a rich rancher who was not a particularly spiritual dude. Although he claimed to be a Christian, his actions in the world made this claim a questionable one

One day a poor farmer who had no food sneaked on to the rich farmer’s land and stole a chicken so his family could eat. He was caught by the ranch hands and brought to the rancher. The rancher had little patience for him and said, “Hang ‘im! It’ll teach ‘im a lesson!”

A couple years later, a man from Mexico was trespassing on the rancher’s land. He was very poor and hoping to find a new life. Instead, what he found was the rancher’s men, who brought him to the rancher. With a snap judgment, the rancher said, “Hang ‘im! It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.”

There were many episodes in the rancher’s life like this, in which he never stopped to put himself in other people’s shoes, but simply reacted in anger and judged and condemned them, usually ending with the phrase, “Hang ‘im. It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.”

Then one night the rancher died and saw himself going up to the gates of heaven. The rancher was hoping no one would recognize him and maybe he could just walk in. But just before he got to the gate, St. Peter stepped in front of him and said, “Wait a minute, Jesus wants to talk to you.”

Now the rancher was very worried. He remembered some of the things he had done in his life, and there he was, about to be judged by Jesus himself! For the first time, the rancher was shaking in his boots. Jesus appeared, walked slowly up to the rancher, looked him in the eyes, and then said to St. Peter, “Forgive ‘im. It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.”

*******

If we have been hurt by someone, let this be a year that instead of hurting back, we forgive, and become more like Jesus. It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.

If this be a year when those with less come to us for help, a chance to work, are down on luck, or are in need of our support, let’s be understanding and compassionate, and do our best to lend a hand. It’ll teach ‘im a lesson.

Remember those who mistreat us are acting from fear or ignorance. They are not treating us as we deserve to be treated, so let’s teach them how by “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” They will not learn from our condemnation or judgment. They will learn from our example.

This year, let’s choose the higher path. This year, let’s change ourselves more than trying to change others. This year, as the great Gandhi said, let’s “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

It will require grace and empathy. It will require looking for what’s good in others. It will require using our anger to drive us into being more loving, not less. It will require us becoming more passionate about being compassionate with those we meet at work, at home, or in the community. It will require forgiveness.

Let’s go for it. “It’ll teach ‘em a lesson.”

(Story adapted from Gary Renard’s Your Immortal Reality. David Larson is a psychologist and life coach. He can be reached at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com.)

Holiday Stress: Keeping the Joy of the Season

It is the Season of “Good News of great joy, which shall be to all people.”

Yet for many, it doesn’t feel that way. Even those who anticipate great fun over the Holidays will often feel run down, overstuffed, and worn out by the time Christmas arrives. Being on the go, trying to fill others’ expectations, even trying to fill our own, can leave us feeling pretty empty and tired by the time the ball drops to usher in the New Year.

Some of the most common stressors during this great time of Holiday Cheer include the following:

• Making “getting everything done” the primary goal, rather than the fun of shared activities.

• Sad memories of someone who is no longer near or of holidays when times were better.

• Unrealistic expectations such as hoping this year will finally be the one Uncle Harry doesn’t have too much to drink, or that we can give everyone what they want for Christmas even through resources may be tighter this year.

• Assuming too much responsibility to make the Holidays perfect for loved ones; wanting everyone to be happy so we can be happy.

• 
  Emphasizing gifts, decorating, and meals, and forgetting that people are more important than things, events, or tasks.

• Feeling isolated or alone being drawn back into family get-togethers that carry unpleasant memories of days gone by.

You and I can make sure this doesn’t happen to us this year! Here are some tips for keeping the jolly in your holly.

• Don’t expect perfection. If it comes, great! But if the turkey burns, or the car breaks down, or if you get snowed in somewhere, or you can’t find the gift you wanted to give, remember that life is a blessing. You made it this far. And don’t forget to laugh at yourself!

• Share the workload. Don’t forget to ask for help. You are not single-handedly responsible to make everything work. Be happy for what you do get done, and don’t worry about the rest.

• Remember the love of your loved ones will never die. You can never lose love. Papa’s form may have changed, but his love is always with you.

• Learn to say “no” on occasion – to that extra cookie, that extra helping of potatoes, that party invitation that pushes your schedule a bit too much. Get plenty of sleep. In fact, fall asleep counting your blessings, not your problems.

• Remember the choice of remaining joyful is yours. It is not dependent on anyone else doing what you want them to do. Hang onto the spirit, even if others get grumpy.

• Keep your eyes on the Reason For the Season. It’s not so much about us creating the perfect Christmas as it is about remembering it’s already perfect because of the gift of the Christ Child. Remember, Jesus came into a mess, without lights and fanfare, with a quiet message of “good news, which shall be to all people.” Let the Savior into your heart, and receive the love predestined to be yours long ago.

(David Larson, MS, LP, CPCC, is a psychologist and life fulfillment coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com . )