One in every 10 people will suffer from depression in any given year. Sometimes depression leads to a hopeless despair and temptations to hurt or do away with one’s self.
Those who are on the brink of killing themselves share one thing in common: they have lost the ability to see hope. From their point of view, they have exhausted all possibilities of feeling better, and can see no chance for rectifying their situation or easing their suffering. Though they are mistaken there is no hope, they don’t know they are mistaken. They have lost an ability to see clearly. They are blinded by their own despair.
Most of the time, we can’t understand why someone would kill themselves because we have not been able to put ourselves in their shoes. We do not know the depth of their hopelessness, because we can still see hope.
Here are some ways to help. Know that if you are doing these things, you may be intervening to save a life.
(1) If you suspect someone may be close to destroying themselves, ASK.
“You’ve been looking pretty depressed lately. Have you thought about hurting yourself?” Do not be afraid you are giving the person the idea to kill themselves. If you’re thinking about it, most likely they’ve already thought about it too. And if they’ve been thinking about it, you can be most helpful if you know they’ve been thinking about it. Denial here does not play to anyone’s advantage.
(2) Be COMPASSIONATE, not judgmental.
“Oh, that’s silly…things aren’t that bad!” is not going to win you points. Very depressed people already feel overly criticized. They are oversensitive to any remark that would communicate you think they’re stupid or nuts. Suicidal people do not believe anyone could understand their pain, so try hard to understand it.
“I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed. I want you to know how important you are to me, and I want you to stay alive,” is a much better approach.
(3) TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM.
Be obvious and clear. This is no time to be under-expressive. Say it, and remind them what you appreciate about having them in your life. “I’ve thought so many times how lucky I’ve been to know you…I’d like to remind you how much you mean to me…”
Then tell them in a heartfelt, honest way your appreciation for them. Be direct and notice if they are taking it in. Ask them to look you in the eyes when you’re speaking so they can see your sincerity. Suicidal people feel alienated and alone, and eye contact will help establish a connection that can help them feel better.
(4) Unless they have been abused or you already know they wouldn’t like it, TOUCH THEM.
Physical contact helps ground them with you and keeps them from dissociating. They also can feel your warmth, which is life to them. You want them to feel life around them. Sit with them, hug them, rub their back. Taking time to be with them lets them know they are important to you. They need to know this, both verbally and non-verbally.
(5) ASK THEM TO TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR PAIN.
Listen with both ears. They are needing your attention, so give it to them. They deserve attention. You are not spoiling them or coddling them by being genuinely interested in what’s bothering them. We all deserve this, and when someone is suicidal, they are in need of it right now.
Lastly, if you feel burdened by the responsibility or don’t know what else to do, get someone else’s help too. Never promise you will not tell anyone else, because you may need that option to save a life or keep yourself supported along the way. If the person is not getting relief from their pain in their association with you, help that person get to a doctor or counselor who can provide additional support.
Thank you for caring about those deep in emotional pain. Let me know if you need more support.
(David Larson is a Licensed Psychologist, Personal Life Coach, and Leadership Trainer. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )
