Lessons of Christmas Learned

Circa 2110

“Tell me a story about the old days, Papa,” asked Jeremy, who Grandpa liked to call ‘Snapper’.

“OK, Snapper, let’s see…I know it may be hard for you to believe now, but there was once a time when people depended on war to settle their disagreements.”

“What’s a war?” Jeremy asked curiously.

“A war is when people use guns and bombs to destroy their enemies in order to get their way” responded the old-timer.

“But, Papa, didn’t they know that loving others is what helps people heal their differences?”

“I know it’s obvious to you young people these days, but we hadn’t learned the way of love yet. Many years ago there was a time when we grown ups got so angry at each other, we judged, attacked and hurt one another.”

“But why?”

“Because we were afraid. We didn’t understand that when someone harmed us, it was because our friend-to-be was hurting inside himself, and needed the understanding of a compassionate soul to free him from his pain.”

“You mean like when Peter pushed me?”

“Yes, Snap. I remember he shoved you in the hallway, and you fell and broke your ankle.”

“Ya, he had just failed another math test and he was really scared of his dad’s reaction. Besides, he was lonely, and didn’t know how to make friends. I think it just built up in him.”

“Yes, that’s the way it is with all people,” summed Papa. “Many years ago there used to be terrorists who would attack our country, and we thought they were bad people. So we wanted to kill them in return. We didn’t know they were just feeling overwhelmed by fear put in them by misguided men, and they were frightened we weren’t paying attention to their need for food, schools, medical care and such. In those days, we didn’t get it that feeling hopeless leads to violence and these men needed our understanding and forgiveness.”

“You might remember there was a time we kept people with dark skin as prisoners, and didn’t see their pain. We called them slaves. They eventually forgave us and helped us change.”

“Oh, ya. I remember now.” the boy said thoughtfully. “And before that, our ancestors invaded the new continent, overpowered most of the natives, and stole the land.”

“Yes, we killed between 7 and 12 million Native Americans then.”

“Because we were scared, right?”

“Yep. And because of greed, which is just another form of fear. Believe it or not, there was time when we wanted something, we just took it. We had guns and they didn’t, so we could overpower them and get our way. It didn’t enter our minds then that they were important people just like anyone else.”

Papa continued, “Every race has struggled to be accepted at one time or another. Sometimes it was the Jews, sometimes Hispanics, sometimes Asians. immigrants of every kind came to what we then saw as “our” country and some people wanted to keep them out. You know why by now, buddy…”

“Scared, right?”

“You got it. Anyway, it took us a long time to understand what Jesus meant when he said, “Love one another, as I have loved you.”

“Wow, that’s sad, Papa. You know, when I told Peter I was sorry he had a rough time on that test and listened to how tough things were at home, I could tell he saw me differently. My body healed, but more important, our relationship healed.”

“Yes, and I’ve noticed that’s the way you treat everyone now.”

“Papa?”

“What, Snapper?”

“I’m glad we’ve learned to love and be sensitive to what people need. The world’s such a peaceful, warm place when we remember everyone is God’s child and we’re here to share what we have with others who have less.”

“Yep, when Jesus came to earth, he came not just for white people or rich people, or people who had learned to treat others with sensitivity and caring. He came for the outcasts, the lonely, the disadvantaged, the hurting, and those who had not yet learned how to love others. Since then, your generation has learned how to do that. To us old folks, it’s a mighty pretty picture.”

“Thanks, Papa.”

“You’re welcome Snapper. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Papa. I love you.”

“Thanks, Snap, I know. You love everyone,” he said with a nod. “Just the way Jesus wanted it…”

(David Larson is a Licensed Psychologist and Personal Life Coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

From Guilt to Freedom: Getting Our Lives Back

We all make mistakes. We misjudge. We say things that hurt. We make choices in our anger that we later regret. We may think inside, “I didn’t mean it!”, but it’s too late – the action or words cannot be undone.

There is nothing wrong with regretting certain actions or choices. It’s good to see when we’ve hurt people and it’s good to make amends.

For many of us, however, we experience guilt as more than a passing experience tied to a recent event. We seem to get caught in it. Instead of feeling guilty occasionally, we may discover that we visit the Land of Regret frequently. When we do, it is a pattern.

Why do we do this?

For some of us, it may just be habit. We saw it modeled in our childhood home. We may have had a parent that handed out “guilt trips” and we are used to it. When we moved away from home we continued the pattern by guilt tripping ourselves.

Others of us feel guilty because we unknowingly hang on to the belief that the past can be changed. Our guilt arises out of the fantasy that if we continue to feel bad about something, it will erase it, fix it, or will help us find a way to make it better. Although this belief is erroneous, none-the-less, it is still powerful. If we believe the past cannot be changed, we would see no value in continuing to feel guilty, and we would let it go. The truth is we only do what we think will bring us what we want. We often desperately want to change what we’ve done. The hope, the illusion, that the past can somehow be magically changed can live deep within us for many years.

Others use guilt as a way of “paying for” what they’ve done. It’s self-punishment. Inherent in this is a belief that errors deserve punishment, and that it is noble to apply this punishment to ourselves.

Others yet see guilt as a way of trying to change themselves, to motivate themselves to “never do it again.” When we do this we succumb to the unconscious belief that feeling bad has more power to help us make different choices in the future than forgiving ourselves.

So the beginning of managing guilt is this: We must identify what we are intending to accomplish by continuing to embrace it.

If your reason is habit, are you giving up your right to choose what you believe and allowing old family patterns to become your own? How long before you make your own choices consciously? Do you want to keep this habit or discard it?

If your belief is that feeling guilty can change the past, can you let yourself know in a tender and sensitive way that no amount of guilt can change what’s already been done?

If you are one of those who believe that guilt cannot change the past, yet you hang onto it, are you doing this for self-punishment? When will you be punished enough? Do you believe that mistakes need to be punished? How about letting yourself be human and realize the following truth: You always do the best you can in any moment. Once you grasp this, the reason for punishing yourself evaporates, for how could anyone deserve punishment for doing their best?

Are you one who guilts yourself for motivation? Continuing to make yourself feel bad drains you of energy that is needed for you to make better choices in the future. When we feel good about ourselves rather than bad about ourselves, it strengthens our chance of choosing more loving actions the next time around. The positive energy in loving ourselves with forgiveness and tenderness will not only be more powerful, it will feel much better too!

(David Larson, M.S., L.P., C.P.C.C., is a Psychologist and Life Fulfillment Coach. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

Voting Your Faith

Following Jesus is what I live for. Jesus was a liberal, an extraordinary one for His time; even for ours. Defending women, supporting children, confronting those who would judge or condemn minorities, fighting for equality and respect for all human beings, loving all, and forgiving everyone, Jesus presents for us a challenging calling.

I have noticed one political party seems to live out these values more readily than the other. One stands up for the disadvantaged, protecting the less fortunate from the more powerful, encouraging sharing wealth rather than hording it individually, seeks to provide better education for our children, providing homes to the homeless, food to the hungry and medical care to those who need it, and confront abusers of minorities.

The other often fights against these causes, supporting and defending the well-off at the expense of the middle class and poor, works to defeat education funding, supports big oil, fights against environmental concerns, and promotes prejudice and attack against minorities, especially if they come from another country or have a different sexual orientation than their own.

I want truth instead of cover-up, peace instead of war, freedom from verbal, emotional or physical attack instead of self-righteousness, and a caring for God’s great creation of the earth and our fellow human beings. I want consideration for others instead of “looking out for number one,” compassion towards others instead of judgment, looking to needs of our neighbors instead of keeping our riches to ourselves. I want sensitivity to the one another’s circumstances, striving to help rather than excluding others, to be welcoming instead of rejecting, to give people freedom to be as God created them, to believe what makes sense to them instead of needing them to be like me.

There is an openness in one Party that attracts me, in the same way I am attracted to Jesus. There is a harshness and coldness in the other major Party that seems quite unlike Jesus. It often confuses me when Christians of one party attack Christians of the other Party as if they are on the wrong side. Is it possible God loves both Democrats and Republicans equally?

There is a hymn that exhorts, “They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love” of our fellowman. (Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela) We will not be recognized as followers of Jesus by how we hate our fellowman (Beck, Limbaugh).

Jesus made his message as clear as he could when he told us the most important things in life are, “Love the Lord your God…and your neighbor as yourself.” (Matt:22:36-39)

Mudslinging against gracious politicians, destroying the land, polluting the air, misrepresenting facts, abusing power, condemning - even killing - gays, blacks, Muslims, Jews, hispanics, instead of responding to their need, is diametrically opposed to following Jesus.

Loving, forgiving, responding to, welcoming, praying for, serving, fighting for, speaking out to protect, giving to, and wishing everyone the blessings we have ourselves - IS following Jesus.

Which Party reflects that for you?

Conflicting Freedoms Present Challenge to USA

Most of the time I use my travel time on planes to go over upcoming presentations, read, or catch up on sleep. Fight #395 to Sacramento turned out to be different.

Next to me sat a man headed to the West Coast on business, a casually dressed Canadian with surprisingly white skin. After trading hellos, I quickly discovered this man was interested in a conversation.

“Mind if I ask you a question?” he said to me after confirming I was a US resident.

“Sure, go ahead,” I replied.

“What’s with you Americans and guns?”

“What do you mean?” I returned.

“Nearly half of the world’s guns in existence are owned by your 4% of the world’s population, and more than half of the firepower in other countries around the world comes from your factories,” he said.

“You have the most gun deaths per capita (that is, per 100,000 people) of the 36 industrialized countries of the world. Your per capita death rate is higher than Brazil, Yemen, and Mexico, three of the most violent nations of the world. At more than 30,000 deaths a year, you lose six times as many lives by firearms every year than the total number of your soldiers killed in the entire Iraq War.”

After taking a deep breath, I quickly did the math in my head. I couldn’t fault him on any of his points.

From a different perspective, I knew that more people die on our streets and in our homes every 2 years than the number of service men and women that died in the 16 years of the Viet Nam war combined - more than 80 people a day. Multiply that by 3 to comprehend the number of accompanying injuries from guns.

These practices seemed pretty barbaric to my seat-mate. He was curious as to why we are the only civilized country in the world to promote the ownership of handguns by regular citizens.

“Why do you allow this to go on?” He was serious, looking me straight in the eye.

“In the United States, we believe in a freedom that allows its citizens to purchase and carry guns. In fact,” I continued, “this freedom was recently reviewed and upheld in our Supreme Court.”

“In Canada, we believe in freedom too,” he responded, “but not the freedom to kill each other. Thirty years ago, we had around 1000 gun deaths a year (less than two weeks worth in the US). This bothered us, so we instituted tougher regulations, and gun deaths decreased by 50%.”

“You’d benefit a lot in fighting crime too,” he went on. “You lead the world in the amount of criminal activity you allow at the hands of untraceable firearms. One third of all armed criminal acts in the USA involve the use of unregulated guns.”

He was accurate again.

“Many of our citizens like to shoot their own food, enjoy hunting as a sport, and feel more protected if they own a gun,” I countered.

“Yes, I understand,” he said, “but why don’t you promote stricter gun regulation, as nearly 50 other countries have successfully, as a way of protecting both the sport and your fellow citizens?”

“Besides, owning a gun doesn’t make you safer. Studies show that a person is more likely to be killed with a gun if they have one in their home than if they don’t.”

He was right again. Depending on the study and location, American gun deaths and injuries are on average, 2 – 3 greater in homes that possess guns as opposed to those who don’t.

I thought back to a psychology student I had at Riverland College a few years ago who had given a report on the need for greater gun control, who, ironically, was later killed with a handgun by her husband.

As our discussion continued, it became more disquieting to me: America experiences a loss of life from citizen-owned guns equal to a 9/11 every 33 days, except for two things: (1) the deaths occur one by one scattered across the country, so we don’t notice it as much, and (2) we are doing it to ourselves.

My plane-mate excused himself to go to the restroom.

Why do we allow this to go on I wondered? Is our fear misplaced, given that our weapons are more likely to kill a family member than an intruder? Does our pride in gun ownership justify maintaining a freedom that kills of more of our citizens at home than our soldiers abroad? Was it the big money lobby that allows the powerful to have their way at the expense of the 2/3 of Americans that want stronger gun control? Has the right to have a gun become more important than the right to life for 30,000 people a year? How do we balance the concerns of the sportsman and an individual citizen’s fear of harm, with the protection of the rest of society?

I guess I had no answers. But for some reason, it seemed difficult to sleep after that.

(David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C., is a licensed psychologist and life coach. He can be contacted at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com.)

Why This Independent Is Voting Democratic This Year

“It’s common for Americans to vote against their own best interest.”

- Pursah

Over the years I have refrained from joining any political party in order to sustain some sense of objectivity in evaluating the issues. By remaining a political independent, I have discovered I can hear facts, that in belonging to either the Republican or Democratic Party, I might be unable to acknowledge. Besides, perhaps like many of you, the personal attacks and negativity that have become standard campaigning protocol by members of both parties represent a style of leadership I do not support.

This year, however, I have decided to vote primarily democrat. I would like to tell you why.

I have been particularly observant of a momentum toward conservatism in recent months that has surprised me a bit, especially considering both historical perspectives and the recent realities we’ve been experiencing as a nation.

What President Obama has been able to accomplish in his short time in office has been jaw-droppingly amazing to me. Out of dozens of achievements that could be highlighted, I cite here only a few:

• Sweeping Health Care Reform that allows millions of Americans to receive the health care they need, while putting sick people previously unable to work back on the job to pay taxes and help reduce our debt.

• Implementing the Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act to prevent any more bailouts.

• Ending the war in Iraq.

• Successfully confronting the banks and credit card companies in providing consumer protection through the Credit Card Reform Act.

• Restoring the image of America abroad by becoming again a team player with other nations.

• Taking serious steps to promote the long awaited United States’ participation in a world-wide focus on addressing global warming.

• Putting more than 2 million people back to work and bringing into reality the building of bridges, repairing of roads, funding education, promoting alternative energy resources, and providing incentives for new forms of massive transit through the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

• Fully funding the Veteran’s Administration and providing compassion and long overdue funding to families of fallen soldiers.

• Saving the failing auto industry while keeping thousands of Americans employed and Americans buying American-made.

• Delivering a stimulus package that provided a tax cut to 95% of American workers.

• Presiding over a gain of more than 22% in the stock market.

• Orchestrating the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Agreement Review with 47 other nations, moving us as a world out of stalemate into international cooperation toward eliminating nuclear weapons from the planet.

• Expanded loans for small businesses, programs to protect the environment, college aid funding for needy students, and improved Medicare coverage for seniors

In checking through sources such as Politifact.com, I was reminded that Obama has fulfilled 122 of his campaign promises in less than two years.

In addition, seven of ten economic indicators have improved since Obama began taking action, showing signs of a true economic recovery. (Businessweek)

This, in my mind, is remarkable achievement.

Although there is still much work ahead, our forgetfulness and impatience can easily mislead us. Remember, it took Clinton 5 years to turn the largest national deficit in history into a surplus. If Clinton’s plan had been allowed to continue, the projected national debt was to have been eliminated by 2010 (yes, now). However, George W. Bush, in his first year of office, immediately reversed this surplus by way of new tax cuts to the rich - 70% of federal tax-cut money went to the top 2% of wealthiest Americans (New York Times).

We have been struggling to recover ever since. Since George W’s deficit spending was three times that of his father’s, Obama’s challenge is greater than Clinton’s. It is reasonable to expect it will take a while to turn this deficit around.

But the problem has not only been recent. It has, in fact, been consistent. Since the 1960’s, the last 4 Democratic presidents have brought the deficit down, while the last 4 Republican presidents have increased the deficit substantially. In fact, as msnbc reported, 2/3 of our total national debt was created during the reign of the last 3 republican presidents – more than twice as much as all other US presidents combined. Despite the fact that Republicans like to tote an image that they are good at controlling spending, history shows that they consistently outspend their Democratic counterparts.

It’s not that Democrats don’t spend money. However, they tend to spend it on things that respond to human need, improve the economy and create jobs. (Remember, Bill Clinton created more jobs than any other president in history – more than 22 million).

We need to keep philosophies in government that represent progress, not set-back. That’s why this year, I am supporting demonstrated effective policy by voting Democratic.

Many Republicans have good ideas. The Republican strategies, however, need to be tempered by historically demonstrated Democratic compassion and effectiveness, and a continued “yes we can,” not “no we won’t” thinking.

Unless we can commit to voting at the polls from reason and thoughtfulness, instead of from fear and hype, it’s possible we may once again end up voting against our own best interest.

(David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C., is a licensed psychologist, life coach, and leadership trainer. He can be contacted at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com.)

Making the Most of the Time You Have Left

Do all you can, with what you have, in the time you have, in the place you are.

-Nkosi Johnson, twelve year old Zulu boy, living with AIDS

Tom arrived at the local radio station a little late. He was to begin his usual midnight shift as a talk show host.. He was tired, wishing he could just go to bed and sleep like most people do on a Friday night.

“I hope I get some good discussions tonight,” he thought as he checked over last minute responsibilities before going on the air.

The usual conversations unfolded. People having trouble sleeping called in to share their woes, or just talk to pass the time. Some spoke of political concerns or relationship problems. But nothing prepared him for the call he got from Sam just before dawn.

“You see,” said Sam, “I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic,” he told Tom. “The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on the average, folks live about seventy-five years. Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime.”

“It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail,” he went on, “and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.”

Sam’s voice became more focused.

“So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away.”

“I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on earth run out to help get your priorities straight.”

Tom’s ears were really perked by now.

“Tom, this morning I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday, then I have been given a little extra time. After all, half the people my age are already gone.”

Sam hung up with Tom still a little off balance. He thought about that call the rest of his shift, as sun began to dawn on his own Saturday, and has done the same almost every Saturday since then.

How much time did he have left, he wondered? What was he doing with the present moment he had? Where did he focus his energy and time? If he had a marble jar, how close would he be to his last marble?

How about you?

What would you do tonight, this weekend, if you were on your last marble?

Do it now.

How do you know you haven’t already used your last marble?

What will you do about that?

(Story adapted from an unknown source by David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C. He can be contacted at 507-373-7913, or at his website, http://www.callthecoach.com/.)

Love Never Ends Video

http://gallery.me.com/davidlarson3/100069

Keeping Marriage Alive 5: Sustaining Real Love

(This is the final column in a five part series on keeping the life in our intimate relationships.)

Most of us have high expectations of married life. We gather up a host of hopes and dreams and put them into one basket called marriage.

It stands to reason, when you think about it. When we are dating, our passions are a flame, adrenaline is flowing, and we have the courage to dream of a future filled with the completion of our heart’s desires.

In a way, you might say, biology plays a trick on us. Our hormones are raging and physiologically we are wired for optimism, excitement, and dreams come true. Our friends and family often join in the excitement, sharing in our heart-felt aspirations.

In addition, we see the happiness of those joining together in elaborate (or at least uniquely special) preparations and ceremonies on TV and in the movies, scenes carefully crafted to fit romantic ideals, with any hints of disappointment or the challenges of actually working out a relationship overlooked or left out.

Yes, we are programmed for high expectations. We emphasize joy, and resist thinking about the challenges. Potential disappointments are minimized. We have the confidence that love will conquer all.

Gradually, real life hits us. The bills come. We have problems on the job. The car breaks down; laundry piles up. Another diaper to change. Another feeding at 3am. We get tired. We get the flu. The checkbook bounces. So many distractions now. Hard to keep focused on our most important friend – our spouse.

Now we’re just living together. We stop talking. Where did that specialness go? The dream starts slipping away. It’s harder than we thought. It takes more work now. What’s wrong with us, we think.

We start to pick at our mate because we’re disappointed. We see his/her shortcomings. Why can’t she change that harping? Why doesn’t he listen to me? Where did the spark go? We slip into ordinary. This is not what we signed up for. Now what?

Hang on . . .there’s hope! Yes, we can get it back! We don’t have to “settle”. What we do need is time to get refocused.

The challenge here may be that we forgot we married to serve. When we were engaged, we thought, “I want to make you happy.” Lately we’ve been thinking, “I’m not happy with him.” The distractions and responsibilities are real, yes. Yet, this is the challenge and gift marriage gives us. How can I continue to love with zest and enthusiasm when the stakes get higher, when I’m no longer receiving the attention I once did from my special one?

One possibility lies in renewing my commitment. This is when I remember I married in order to support and care for, because I wanted to give, because I wanted someone to love.

So the important questions become: What am I no longer doing that I once did that kept our relationship exciting? Am I willing to do these things again? How can I surprise her? What meant the most to him earlier in our relationship? What does he/she need from me now?

This kind of love takes effort, more effort than it took in the beginning. But that’s OK. It’s still worth it. I have been given someone to love. It is part of my purpose on this planet. I will not forget this. I will remember there is joy in serving, in giving, in planning how to make someone’s life special. It remains a mission. I will help my mate grow into the best he/she can be. I realize I made this commitment in the beginning, and that this commitment was part of what brought juice to our relationship.

How will I treat my mate special today, tomorrow, this week?

I will spend 5 minutes today thinking about how to be love to my spouse. I will emphasize it. I will initiate, because I know I want the spark back. I will talk about my wishes with my spouse. I will ask what he/she needs. I will tell him/her what I

We will dream again together. We can! We can again have common goals and desires, and work together to achieve them. I will see a counselor or marriage coach if I need to. I’m open to receiving help. I will not be stopped.

What is it you both need? What is it you both want? Remember the old adage, “United we stand, divided we fall.” Around what goal can you get united? How can you make it fun to work at it together?

(David Larson, licensed psychologist, is a counselor and personal coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)

Keeping Relationships Alive 4: Letting Go of Grudges

(This is the fourth in a five part series on keeping the life in our intimate relationships.)

“When my wife’s upset with me, she sometimes doesn’t talk to me for a couple of weeks,” said one concerned client. “That’s a long time to be in the dog house.”

Yes, indeed! Moments shared with those we love are too precious to squander on prolonged bickering, cold shoulders, and “the silent treatment.”

As I mentioned in a previous section in this series, people often automatically perceive conflict as a problem in a relationship. Conflict itself can be valued because it is evidence that individuals are bringing forth their uniqueness. We realize this may clash with our own. It is not the presence or absence of conflict that signals the health of a relationship, but rather how those moments of conflict are resolved.

If the disagreement leads to deeper understanding of the other person’s perspective on life, an appreciation for that person’s uniqueness, stimulation for growth on the part of both parties, and is worked through in a spirit of respect, the conflict moves the relationship forward.

Conflict becomes a drain on a relationship if the disagreement is used as a mechanism to hurt the other person, tear someone down, see one’s self as “better than,” or does not get resolved promptly.

One of the practices that burdens a relationship is when the pain on either or both sides is not acknowledged, and the negative energy is held within. There is little that will stop a romance faster than holding a grudge. If we are to keep love alive in our marriage, we need to develop the skill of letting go of hurts and disappointments. This is much easier said than done, of course, so let me share a few hints that may help.

1) Let’s consider that our mate, no matter how great he or she is, will not always be able to understand our point of view. We need to have other relationships to reach out to for support that go beyond our mate. When we seek support from others, we can find release in expressing our frustration, and receive support for hanging onto our own self-esteem while our concerns are being worked out. Since we all experience frustration in this area, we can know we are not alone in this struggle.

2) If no one is available to talk to, then we can do something with the pent up energy so it does not depress or distract us from other important activities, such as attending to our children. We can write out our feelings, journal, walk, run, practice a tension releasing breathing technique or yoga, take a hot bath, or use the energy to get something done, like the laundry, the dishes, the lawn, cleaning out the garage or a closet.

3) We can practice seeing the love behind the behavior. Often people have good intentions, but their choice of sharing their love does not fit with what we need. Correcting our spouse, giving advice, even yelling at them, for some people, can be a way they have learned to treat those they love. So don’t take anything personally, and realize that behind that facade of temper, forgetfulness, or insensitivity, is a special creation of God who is trying his or her best to get what they need too. Our partner needs our compassion and understanding as much as we need theirs.

4) Consider lightening up a bit. Sometimes we trap ourselves by taking life too seriously, by making “mountains out of molehills”. We can learn to laugh at ourselves and each other in an appreciative way. Forgive easily. Remind yourself "It is what it is." Let the fun come through.

5) We can keep communicating with our mate. We can approach him/her frequently with statements like, “I want to clear up this little spat we’ve been having”, or “I want you to know how I need to be treated to warm up to you”. We can write a letter if talking doesn’t seem realistic at the moment. This will allows us to choose our words carefully and give the other person time to think about what we’ve said and to respond rather than react.

Note: The goal of understanding and loving our mate does not mean allowing ourselves to be mistreated. If you are in an emotionally, spiritually, mentally, or physically abusive relationship, seek out help immediately to recover the positive life you were created to experience.

(David Larson, Licensed Psychologist, is a counselor and personal coach. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)

Keeping Marriage Alive 3: No Gain in Blame

(This is the third of a five part series in keeping the life in our intimate relationships.)

For any of us it seems, it’s easier to see the shortcomings in our mate than to see our own. We can be very quick to cite our disappointment in something our partner has said or done, believing it is their behavior that produces our dissatisfaction. This, however, is a myth.

When we were first in love, we may have seen the other person as the one who was “making us happy”. It would be more accurate to say it was the other person who helped us see the beauty already present in ourselves. If we believe that it was our partner who “made us happy”, then we will tend to see our partner as the one who makes us sad. This is what is referred to as “co-dependency”.

In a co-dependent relationship, we think life satisfaction comes from someone outside ourselves. Our expectations are high for the other person to be sensitive to our feelings, to stop drinking, to put their clothes away, to cut back on using the charge card, to respond to our sexual desires, and so on. If they don’t, we get mad, resentful, hurt, depressed even.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting things. In fact, it’s important to know what we want, and to ask for what we want. The rub comes when our wants become expectations for the other person to fulfill.

Herein lies a key distinction. It is important we are clear about what we want, and request, but do not demand our spouse be the one to fill this longing.

If I need help with the dishes, it’s important for me to ask. Not demand, not criticize, not complain. This is taking personal responsibility. If I need more help with the kids, I sit down with my partner and we talk through a plan that acknowledges the needs and desires of both partners. We negotiate to a “win-win” solution. This is taking personal responsibility. If my partner does not respond to my requests, I share my feelings about it, not scold, not yell, not blame.

If my partner continues to ignore my requests, I ask myself why I put up with such insensitivity. I put the focus on me. I return to acknowledge what my partner helped me see in the beginning – my worthiness of respect. Instead of expecting something from someone who does not want to give it, I take responsibility to give it to myself – I respect me. I call a friend to vent; I journal in my diary; I get support elsewhere. If this is still not working, I get counseling and keep reaching for a better life.

By taking responsibility to do my part in a respectful way, I sidestep the frustration and blame, and create the space for romance to flourish.

Action Step: Today, I will re-think how directly I ask for what I want in my relationship. Do I use a whiney voice? An angry one? Is there judgment in my words or tone? How can I clean it up? Am I willing to meet my mate in the eyes and let my feelings be known, expecting a positive response?

Today, I will tell my partner how meaningful our relationship is to me, and why it’s important for me to be heard. I am willing to listen back. I negotiate and compromise. I don’t complain. . . I explain. I believe in a positive outcome. It’s very likely my mate wants a happy marriage too. How can I appeal to that side of him or her to instill more cooperation? In short, what will I do to take care of myself in my marriage today?

(David Larson, licensed psychologist, is a counselor and life enrichment coach. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com

Everything Is Energy

Keeping Relationships Alive 2: Appreciating Conflict

(This is the second in a series of five columns on keeping our intimate relationships juicy.)

Some imagine that the perfect marriage is one in which there is no tension, where everything stays on an even keel - no disruptions. If something is not going our way, we think something is wrong. We find ourselves interpreting disappointments as problems. We tend to see conflict as bad.

Today I invite us to consider marriage a partnership where each individual nudges the other to grow, to see things a little differently, where we expand each other’s perceptions of the possibilities. There is evidence of strength in our marriage when our mate helps us become a better person than we were yesterday. This means we are challenged to stretch out of our comfort zone, to be more sensitive to our mate, to be confronted. Our partner is one of our greatest teachers. Part of our calling as a mate is to be a willing student.

Our partner may be giving us opportunities to learn patience. Perhaps he or she can help us see a different point of view. Maybe our partner is there to give us practice in not taking things personally. Perhaps he/she is there to prompt us to develop assertiveness skills by declaring more clearly what is important to us. Maybe we will become more appreciative of diversity as we see how different our partner is from us.

Conflict is an opportunity for growth. Often our partner mirrors back to us the precise things in ourselves we have trouble seeing without help. Our mate is someone who can be honest with us about things most people would not care enough to mention. Their honesty, given with respect, is one of their greatest gifts to us.

Even if your partner is frequently disrespectful or insensitive, it may be your chance to learn to stand up for yourself, to claim yourself as valuable enough to fight for you.

Some of you may discover you are in an abusive relationship. You may have found this relationship so that you can learn something by leaving it. All relationships are gifts, even when they don’t feel good.

So here’s this week’s challenge: What has bugged you about your partner?What gift is there in this irritation for you? What underdeveloped part of you is being called forth by this disappointment or conflict? How can you be a better person because of who this person is in your life?

David Larson is a marriage coach and psychologist. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website,www.callthecoach.com

Keeping Relationships Alive 1: Honoring Uniqueness

What drains a marriage, and what brings life to it? In this series I am addressing several common stumbling blocks that threaten our relationships, as well as thoughts about responding to these concerns.

One common pitfall that would spring a leak in our marriage boat is our attempt to make our partner like ourself. For the most part, human beings have an egocentric nature. We tend to interpret life events from our own perspective and believe our way of doing things to be right. This is the time to remember that there are often many right ways to do most things. Looking for the one right way can be self-limiting. Defending one right way can mean distancing ourselves from our partner.

Sometimes disagreements are about little things, like where to hang the towels, or how to clean the bathroom. Other times the issues are bigger like how to spend the paycheck this week or how to discipline a child. The truth is there are many effective ways to clean a bathroom or discipline a child. If I am willing to let my mate do it his/her way more often, I may be able to side-step a lot of needless hassle, and save that energy for something more productive – like looking for what my mate is doing well.

It is helpful to us to remember that our mate is a unique individual. In fact, it was this uniqueness that we once thought made this person "special". We admired our partner’s esteemed attributes and chose this person because we thought he/she was the best of all the choices we had encountered. Remember, the celebration of diversity is the spice of life in all communities, whether those communities are towns, churches, workplaces, or families.

It is important to know we do not have to "win" over our special one to our position. Our own opinion or feeling about something is very valid, as valid as our spouse's opinion or feeling. Harmony does not mean agreement. It means respecting and blending the differences to make something more beautiful. A C-note does not argue with an F-note on a musical scale. Both are uniquely different and both have something wonderful to offer. Together they may sound quite complimentary. The combination of the two may, in fact, enhance certain chords, such that if one were missing, the impact would be disappointing.

This week, then, make a conscious effort to appreciate your spouse's uniqueness. Do not insist on making your way their way. Observe and enjoy the variety of experiences your different personalities bring to your home. In fact, count them. Make a tick or a check mark on your calendar, notebook, or fridge for every time you notice a special offering from your mate to you or your family. It may be a look of love, the hugging of a child, telling a joke, sweeping the floor, picking up socks. Count up those marks at the end of the week (and month!) Let yourself smile as you see yourselves as equals, yet different, celebrating a partnership that enhances you both.

David Larson, licensed psychologist, is a marriage coach, counselor, and leadership trainer. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)

Sometimes It's Even Better Than You Expect

Every once in a while, you have one of those experiences you know you’ll never forget.

Such was the case for me in visiting the Palace Grill in Old Town Santa Barbara. A taste of New Orleans in a small California city, they don’t take reservations - you show up and stand outside on the sidewalk, waiting for an opening to appear from a packed house of hungry, delighted souls enjoying a wide variety of Cajun cuisine. No worries, though, as the waiting patronage seems to consist of excitedly friendly folks all anticipating their turn to sample the hot appetizers served cheerfully on the house by a staff voted 22 years in a row as the best in Santa Barbara.

We were greeted and seated at our table by the owner, a black man dressed in a polo shirt and beads, with a smile that made me think he’d been waiting for us all night long. As I pass the large framed paintings of Bourbon Street-type horn players, I notice the fascinating aromas wharfing over the partition of the open kitchen where scrumptious meals are being prepared over open fire. I look up to see a giant shark light fixture beaming a soft light, exposing the smiles of couples romanced by the delectable tastes of flavorful fish, stake, or pasta combinations placed before them by the cheery waiters and waitresses. I look up to see the ace of hearts tacked above my head among assorted cards distributed all over the ceiling.

The first of many servers arrives to give us an assortment of five specialty mini-muffins including orange-apricot, molasses-date, and buttermilk-rosemary. We order a starter of coconut shrimp, which ended up being large enough to be an entree in itself. My Catfish Creole with crawfish was trumped only by Carol’s Chicken Marsala with a vegetable blend consisting of carrots and green squash in a seasoned butter sauce, braised to perfection.

Before finishing our main course, another waitress set down a portfolio next to each of our plates as if she had already prepared our bill. I thought it was a bit early for the check, but we were instructed not to open it until we were told, so we continued our conversation about the delectable tastes of various mushrooms, seasonings, and spices.

At precisely 8 o’clock, the entire staff of waiters, waitresses, chefs, busboys, cooks & greeters paraded out in the dining room scattering themselves as if to make some kind of presentation.

In moment we begin to hear Louie Armstrong’s voice come over the loudspeakers singing “What a Wonderful World” as we are instructed to open our portfolios containing the lyrics to the song and sing along. The entire restaurant bellowed robustly as we were reminded of the many blessings we all have, including the incredible meals we were currently eating. At that moment, I felt “at home,” realizing these servers had just knit together a bunch of strangers who had never met each other, unified in gratitude. The song lyrics were collected and we all continued our in culinary adventures.

A while later, someone broke out in a happy birthday song and the entire dinning room spontaneously joined in to wish the happy soul an inspiring celebration, followed by unanimous applause.

We finished the evening with a bread pudding soufflé with creamed whiskey sauce. We exited the restaurant fully understanding why all those people coming out the front door while we had been waiting to go in were oozing such joy.

It’s as if we had gone in and out of a dream, not sure if what we had just experienced really happened, but the smiles on our faces and the lightness in our hearts gave a clue that the experience was indeed the real thing.

Sometimes life just can’t get any better.

(David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C., is a Licensed Psychologist and Life Coach. He can be reached at 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)