Love Never Ends Video

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Keeping Marriage Alive 5: Sustaining Real Love

(This is the final column in a five part series on keeping the life in our intimate relationships.)

Most of us have high expectations of married life. We gather up a host of hopes and dreams and put them into one basket called marriage.

It stands to reason, when you think about it. When we are dating, our passions are a flame, adrenaline is flowing, and we have the courage to dream of a future filled with the completion of our heart’s desires.

In a way, you might say, biology plays a trick on us. Our hormones are raging and physiologically we are wired for optimism, excitement, and dreams come true. Our friends and family often join in the excitement, sharing in our heart-felt aspirations.

In addition, we see the happiness of those joining together in elaborate (or at least uniquely special) preparations and ceremonies on TV and in the movies, scenes carefully crafted to fit romantic ideals, with any hints of disappointment or the challenges of actually working out a relationship overlooked or left out.

Yes, we are programmed for high expectations. We emphasize joy, and resist thinking about the challenges. Potential disappointments are minimized. We have the confidence that love will conquer all.

Gradually, real life hits us. The bills come. We have problems on the job. The car breaks down; laundry piles up. Another diaper to change. Another feeding at 3am. We get tired. We get the flu. The checkbook bounces. So many distractions now. Hard to keep focused on our most important friend – our spouse.

Now we’re just living together. We stop talking. Where did that specialness go? The dream starts slipping away. It’s harder than we thought. It takes more work now. What’s wrong with us, we think.

We start to pick at our mate because we’re disappointed. We see his/her shortcomings. Why can’t she change that harping? Why doesn’t he listen to me? Where did the spark go? We slip into ordinary. This is not what we signed up for. Now what?

Hang on . . .there’s hope! Yes, we can get it back! We don’t have to “settle”. What we do need is time to get refocused.

The challenge here may be that we forgot we married to serve. When we were engaged, we thought, “I want to make you happy.” Lately we’ve been thinking, “I’m not happy with him.” The distractions and responsibilities are real, yes. Yet, this is the challenge and gift marriage gives us. How can I continue to love with zest and enthusiasm when the stakes get higher, when I’m no longer receiving the attention I once did from my special one?

One possibility lies in renewing my commitment. This is when I remember I married in order to support and care for, because I wanted to give, because I wanted someone to love.

So the important questions become: What am I no longer doing that I once did that kept our relationship exciting? Am I willing to do these things again? How can I surprise her? What meant the most to him earlier in our relationship? What does he/she need from me now?

This kind of love takes effort, more effort than it took in the beginning. But that’s OK. It’s still worth it. I have been given someone to love. It is part of my purpose on this planet. I will not forget this. I will remember there is joy in serving, in giving, in planning how to make someone’s life special. It remains a mission. I will help my mate grow into the best he/she can be. I realize I made this commitment in the beginning, and that this commitment was part of what brought juice to our relationship.

How will I treat my mate special today, tomorrow, this week?

I will spend 5 minutes today thinking about how to be love to my spouse. I will emphasize it. I will initiate, because I know I want the spark back. I will talk about my wishes with my spouse. I will ask what he/she needs. I will tell him/her what I

We will dream again together. We can! We can again have common goals and desires, and work together to achieve them. I will see a counselor or marriage coach if I need to. I’m open to receiving help. I will not be stopped.

What is it you both need? What is it you both want? Remember the old adage, “United we stand, divided we fall.” Around what goal can you get united? How can you make it fun to work at it together?

(David Larson, licensed psychologist, is a counselor and personal coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)

Keeping Relationships Alive 4: Letting Go of Grudges

(This is the fourth in a five part series on keeping the life in our intimate relationships.)

“When my wife’s upset with me, she sometimes doesn’t talk to me for a couple of weeks,” said one concerned client. “That’s a long time to be in the dog house.”

Yes, indeed! Moments shared with those we love are too precious to squander on prolonged bickering, cold shoulders, and “the silent treatment.”

As I mentioned in a previous section in this series, people often automatically perceive conflict as a problem in a relationship. Conflict itself can be valued because it is evidence that individuals are bringing forth their uniqueness. We realize this may clash with our own. It is not the presence or absence of conflict that signals the health of a relationship, but rather how those moments of conflict are resolved.

If the disagreement leads to deeper understanding of the other person’s perspective on life, an appreciation for that person’s uniqueness, stimulation for growth on the part of both parties, and is worked through in a spirit of respect, the conflict moves the relationship forward.

Conflict becomes a drain on a relationship if the disagreement is used as a mechanism to hurt the other person, tear someone down, see one’s self as “better than,” or does not get resolved promptly.

One of the practices that burdens a relationship is when the pain on either or both sides is not acknowledged, and the negative energy is held within. There is little that will stop a romance faster than holding a grudge. If we are to keep love alive in our marriage, we need to develop the skill of letting go of hurts and disappointments. This is much easier said than done, of course, so let me share a few hints that may help.

1) Let’s consider that our mate, no matter how great he or she is, will not always be able to understand our point of view. We need to have other relationships to reach out to for support that go beyond our mate. When we seek support from others, we can find release in expressing our frustration, and receive support for hanging onto our own self-esteem while our concerns are being worked out. Since we all experience frustration in this area, we can know we are not alone in this struggle.

2) If no one is available to talk to, then we can do something with the pent up energy so it does not depress or distract us from other important activities, such as attending to our children. We can write out our feelings, journal, walk, run, practice a tension releasing breathing technique or yoga, take a hot bath, or use the energy to get something done, like the laundry, the dishes, the lawn, cleaning out the garage or a closet.

3) We can practice seeing the love behind the behavior. Often people have good intentions, but their choice of sharing their love does not fit with what we need. Correcting our spouse, giving advice, even yelling at them, for some people, can be a way they have learned to treat those they love. So don’t take anything personally, and realize that behind that facade of temper, forgetfulness, or insensitivity, is a special creation of God who is trying his or her best to get what they need too. Our partner needs our compassion and understanding as much as we need theirs.

4) Consider lightening up a bit. Sometimes we trap ourselves by taking life too seriously, by making “mountains out of molehills”. We can learn to laugh at ourselves and each other in an appreciative way. Forgive easily. Remind yourself "It is what it is." Let the fun come through.

5) We can keep communicating with our mate. We can approach him/her frequently with statements like, “I want to clear up this little spat we’ve been having”, or “I want you to know how I need to be treated to warm up to you”. We can write a letter if talking doesn’t seem realistic at the moment. This will allows us to choose our words carefully and give the other person time to think about what we’ve said and to respond rather than react.

Note: The goal of understanding and loving our mate does not mean allowing ourselves to be mistreated. If you are in an emotionally, spiritually, mentally, or physically abusive relationship, seek out help immediately to recover the positive life you were created to experience.

(David Larson, Licensed Psychologist, is a counselor and personal coach. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)