Holiday Stress: Keeping the Joy of the Season

It is the Season of “Good News of great joy, which shall be to all people.”

Yet for many, it doesn’t feel that way. Even those who anticipate great fun over the Holidays will often feel run down, overstuffed, and worn out by the time Christmas arrives. Being on the go, trying to fill others’ expectations, even trying to fill our own, can leave us feeling pretty empty and tired by the time the ball drops to usher in the New Year.

Some of the most common stressors during this great time of Holiday Cheer include the following:

• Making “getting everything done” the primary goal, rather than the fun of shared activities.

• Sad memories of someone who is no longer near or of holidays when times were better.

• Unrealistic expectations such as hoping this year will finally be the one Uncle Harry doesn’t have too much to drink, or that we can give everyone what they want for Christmas even through resources may be tighter this year.

• Assuming too much responsibility to make the Holidays perfect for loved ones; wanting everyone to be happy so we can be happy.

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  Emphasizing gifts, decorating, and meals, and forgetting that people are more important than things, events, or tasks.

• Feeling isolated or alone being drawn back into family get-togethers that carry unpleasant memories of days gone by.

You and I can make sure this doesn’t happen to us this year! Here are some tips for keeping the jolly in your holly.

• Don’t expect perfection. If it comes, great! But if the turkey burns, or the car breaks down, or if you get snowed in somewhere, or you can’t find the gift you wanted to give, remember that life is a blessing. You made it this far. And don’t forget to laugh at yourself!

• Share the workload. Don’t forget to ask for help. You are not single-handedly responsible to make everything work. Be happy for what you do get done, and don’t worry about the rest.

• Remember the love of your loved ones will never die. You can never lose love. Papa’s form may have changed, but his love is always with you.

• Learn to say “no” on occasion – to that extra cookie, that extra helping of potatoes, that party invitation that pushes your schedule a bit too much. Get plenty of sleep. In fact, fall asleep counting your blessings, not your problems.

• Remember the choice of remaining joyful is yours. It is not dependent on anyone else doing what you want them to do. Hang onto the spirit, even if others get grumpy.

• Keep your eyes on the Reason For the Season. It’s not so much about us creating the perfect Christmas as it is about remembering it’s already perfect because of the gift of the Christ Child. Remember, Jesus came into a mess, without lights and fanfare, with a quiet message of “good news, which shall be to all people.” Let the Savior into your heart, and receive the love predestined to be yours long ago.

(David Larson, MS, LP, CPCC, is a psychologist and life fulfillment coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com . )

From Jealousy to Joy by Trusting In Abundance

Jealousy is a form of fear. It is based on a belief in scarcity. I see someone who has something I want – the money, the job, the sense of humor, the confidence, the relationship, the opportunity… and I long for those things to be mine as well.

When this happens to me, I notice I am believing in limitations. I am thinking if you have something I want, I can't have it too. I become aware of my resentment, jealousy's constant companion and fraternal twin.

However, if I believe in abundance - that there is enough to go around for everyone (there really is!) - jealousy can find no stronghold, for I am confident whatever you have is possible for me too - and I can start looking for how to bring it into my life any time I choose.

Jealousy is a dis-ease of “If…then.”

If I had a romance relationship like she has, then I’d be happy. If I could just get out of this romance relationship, then I’d be happy. If I could have children like her, then all will be well. When the kids move out, then I’ll be free. If I could just get a job like his, then life would be easy. If I could only quit my job, then my life will finally be in balance...

This is how I trap myself. I am letting myself believe that my happiness lies in what someone else has in their life, but I don’t yet have in mine.

Getting relief from jealousy requires that I give up my belief in scarcity and trust the abundance that is the reality of the universe. To trust the abundance is to believe there is enough for both you and me. My envy dissolves when I can rejoice in your happiness. The great paradox is the more I am delighted in your good fortune; the more good fortune comes my way.

Of whom are you jealous? Can you identify your belief that supports this feeling? Are you thinking you can't have what someone else has? How can you be sure it is not possible for you to have this in another form? Be careful. Self-fulfilling prophecies are real. If you are like me, sometimes believing something is not available to me actually blinds me from seeing it pass right in front of me.

On the other hand, when you and I believe we can have what we want, it sets in motion the circumstances required to bring it into being. Today I will let my jealousy jar me into believing in my possibilities. How about you?

(David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C., is a licensed psychologist and the founder of the Institute For Wellness. His column appears on alternate Sundays. He can be contacted at 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com.)

How To Help Someone Who Is Suicidal

One in every 10 people will suffer from depression in any given year. Sometimes depression leads to a hopeless despair and temptations to hurt or do away with one’s self.

Those who are on the brink of killing themselves share one thing in common: they have lost the ability to see hope. From their point of view, they have exhausted all possibilities of feeling better, and can see no chance for rectifying their situation or easing their suffering. Though they are mistaken there is no hope, they don’t know they are mistaken. They have lost an ability to see clearly. They are blinded by their own despair.

Most of the time, we can’t understand why someone would kill themselves because we have not been able to put ourselves in their shoes. We do not know the depth of their hopelessness, because we can still see hope.

Here are some ways to help. Know that if you are doing these things, you may be intervening to save a life.

(1) If you suspect someone may be close to destroying themselves, ASK.

“You’ve been looking pretty depressed lately. Have you thought about hurting yourself?” Do not be afraid you are giving the person the idea to kill themselves. If you’re thinking about it, most likely they’ve already thought about it too. And if they’ve been thinking about it, you can be most helpful if you know they’ve been thinking about it. Denial here does not play to anyone’s advantage.

(2) Be COMPASSIONATE, not judgmental.

“Oh, that’s silly…things aren’t that bad!” is not going to win you points. Very depressed people already feel overly criticized. They are oversensitive to any remark that would communicate you think they’re stupid or nuts. Suicidal people do not believe anyone could understand their pain, so try hard to understand it.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed. I want you to know how important you are to me, and I want you to stay alive,” is a much better approach.

(3) TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM.

Be obvious and clear. This is no time to be under-expressive. Say it, and remind them what you appreciate about having them in your life. “I’ve thought so many times how lucky I’ve been to know you…I’d like to remind you how much you mean to me…”

Then tell them in a heartfelt, honest way your appreciation for them. Be direct and notice if they are taking it in. Ask them to look you in the eyes when you’re speaking so they can see your sincerity. Suicidal people feel alienated and alone, and eye contact will help establish a connection that can help them feel better.

(4) Unless they have been abused or you already know they wouldn’t like it, TOUCH THEM.

Physical contact helps ground them with you and keeps them from dissociating. They also can feel your warmth, which is life to them. You want them to feel life around them. Sit with them, hug them, rub their back. Taking time to be with them lets them know they are important to you. They need to know this, both verbally and non-verbally.

(5) ASK THEM TO TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR PAIN.

Listen with both ears. They are needing your attention, so give it to them. They deserve attention. You are not spoiling them or coddling them by being genuinely interested in what’s bothering them. We all deserve this, and when someone is suicidal, they are in need of it right now.

Lastly, if you feel burdened by the responsibility or don’t know what else to do, get someone else’s help too. Never promise you will not tell anyone else, because you may need that option to save a life or keep yourself supported along the way. If the person is not getting relief from their pain in their association with you, help that person get to a doctor or counselor who can provide additional support.

Thank you for caring about those deep in emotional pain. Let me know if you need more support.

(David Larson is a Licensed Psychologist, Personal Life Coach, and Leadership Trainer. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

The Monkey Trap

A wise hunter set up his monkey trap in the jungle. The trap did not involve guns, spears, nooses, cages, nets, or any of the typical ways animals are captured.

This hunter’s weapon was a jar.

The hunter carefully picked a ripe banana from a nearby tree and placed it in the pear-shaped jug. He then set this jar out in the middle of a clearing.

Sure enough, soon a monkey came by and saw the banana in the jar. Curiously and excitedly he reached in and grabbed the banana, embracing his prize of joy.

However, when the monkey tried to remove the banana from the jar, he found he could not pull his hand through the narrow opening with his clenched fist around the banana.

He tried to shake it off. He tried to pull it off with his feet. He ran erratically around the clearing hoping that somehow he would hit upon the secret to getting his hand – and himself – free from his self-imposed prison.

What the hunter knew that the monkey did not, was that the only way the monkey could set himself free would be to let go of the banana.

Clenching onto his perceived prize kept the monkey from noticing there was plenty of fruit on the numerous trees around him. Narrowly focusing on sweet treasure he thought he must have prevented him from receiving the abundance that surrounded him on every side.

How often do we trap ourselves like this?

What’s the banana you need to let go of to set yourself free?

What luscious want are you clasping onto that puts you in your own emotional prison?

What might be available to you if you stopped insisting on having it your way?

Can you take in that you are being taken care of, even when things aren’t going the way you think they should?

In what ways can you begin to trust that all you need is already yours?

Calming Your Life In A Stress-filled World

We live in a fast-paced society, don't we? Managing work with home responsibilities, getting kids to their many activities, and struggling to make ends meet financially challenge our resourcefulness.

For many families, it seems like there is something going every night of the week. We're drawn between family and friends, between hanging out with others or staying at home, between being with family members or being left alone. If it's not the laundry, it’s the dishes or the housecleaning or the garage door repair or the computer problems or the grocery shopping or the meal-making or church activities or, or, or…

The trouble with being so busy is that it forces us to always be leaning our attention into the future. When do I have to be at my next commitment? What's next? If I pick up the kids from school and take them to piano lessons, will I make it to my doctor's appointment on time…?

We cannot place our mind both in the present and in the future at the same time. By needing to keep thinking toward the future, we have trouble remaining in the present. And it is only in the present that joy exists. Even when the future comes, many of us are thinking about the next thing we need to get to, and miss the present then!

The evidence for our society depression can be observed in this high-paced lifestyle. It used to be we enjoyed "Leave It to Beaver" and picnics in the park. Now we seem to need sex on the screen, killing in the movies, and shocking reality shows on TV to feel like we're alive. We've numbed ourselves out from the stress, and need the adrenaline rush to convince us we're having fun.

As with any addiction, the desired emotional effect fades quickly, and we must go back for more distraction to deal with our discomfort. We think the answer to our boredom lies in keeping busy, when often it is busyness that leads to boredom. There is little fulfillment in pushing from activity to activity.

The answer is simple, but not easy. Simple, because changing just one thing can really make a difference. This is it: SLOW DOWN.

I say "not easy" because most of us believe we can't, or we again tell ourselves scary stories about what will happen if we do: " I'll run out of money." " People will think I'm lazy." "Doing more means getting more out of life."

For now, begin with this

Focus your attention on your breathing.

Yep, that’s it.

You don’t have to do anything else. For this week, just pause 3 times a day for 3 minutes and focus on your breathing. Just breathe and notice. If you must do something else while focusing on your breathing, notice something of beauty in front of you, like a flower or the amazing sky.

Simple, isn’t it? Yes, but not easy. You may run into increased levels of anxiety as you begin this. You may have a gremlin in your head or in your family that will try to convince you it’s a waste of time or that it won’t work. Don’t buy into it. Conscious breathing is an effective way to practice single-minded focus, an essential element in experiencing joy.

Stop and smell the roses, my friend. There's time. Really.

(David Larson is a psychologist and personal life coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

Experiencing Relief Now

"You can always cope with the now, but you can never cope with the future, nor do you have to. It doesn’t exist. It's a phantom. The answer, the strength, the right action, or the resource will be there when you need it, not before, not after."

-- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

We cannot have peace when our mind is in the future. We worry by creating scary stories about what could happen, might happen, or will happen. We're afraid we won't be able to control ourselves or our situation or others' decisions that affect us. We worry that our loved ones won't be safe. We worry we won't have enough money. We worry there won't be enough love. We worry about losing our jobs and about our health problems. We even worry about our own funerals!

We lack the faith we will be able to handle it.

In my e-book, How To Stop Your Anxiety Now! (http://www.how-to-stop-your-anxiety-now.com/callthecoach.htm), I ask the questions, "Do you have what you need now?" "Has there ever been a time in your life when you didn't get what you needed?"

The answer to the first question is always "yes". We have what we need in this moment. In this moment, we are alive. In this moment, we are loved. In this moment, we have the ability to improve our situation, whatever it is. ANY time in the future will always end up being a "now", and we will continue to handle it in that now, not this now.

The answer to the second question is always "no". We have always gotten what we needed to survive, or we wouldn't be here. Has it always been fun? No. Has it been painful at times? Yes. Did we always get what we wanted? No. Did we receive what we needed in that moment, in that experience, in that time, to survive, to make it to where we are today? Yes!

The point is we handled it. We always handle it. Perhaps not perfectly. Perhaps not without discouragement or loneliness or challenge. Perhaps we needed lots of support. But we did make it.

We will always make it.

After speaking one day with a woman dying of cancer, I said to her, "I don’t know if I could cope with this if it happened to me."

"Yes, you could," she said. "After all, what's the alternative to coping? Not coping? If it happened to you, you would choose to cope, because coping is better than not coping. And you'll be surprised what you'll learn you can do."

I learned something important that day. Something about my own resourcefulness, something about the power of God, and something about how my needs never go unnoticed, never go unanswered. Even in death, we are headed on to better things.

What is your concern, your worry? Has a friend betrayed you? Is your marriage under great stress? Is someone important to you very sick? Are you lonely? Do you live in constant pain? Have you been a victim of crime? Have you lost your money, your job, a loved one?

I have lived through all of these things. I believe you can too. Your trials may come in a different form, with different types of challenges. But I believe you're up to it.

Whatever we need at the time will be given to us - at that time - in that now. You don't have to worry if you can handle it. You can handle it.

Are you making it? Yes. Are you asking for enough support to make it easier on yourself? I hope so. You are more resourceful than you think.

(David Larson, C.P.C.C., is a Licensed Psychologist and Personal Life Coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

Perrrrfect Role Modeling from a Cat

I find it amazing what I learn when I pause to notice what's going on around me.

For example, a whole new world has opened up to me since I started taking more time to notice the variety of aromas and fragrances there are in the world.

Do you know how many textures there are on a single orange? Do you know how many colors there are on one? If you've never noticed, you'll be surprised when you check it out !

When you see flowers, do you take time to smell them? More than once? Whenever there are flowers in our home, I smell them every day! They've helped me notice beauty around me when I could have missed it by hurrying by.

Are you like me sometimes, when I realize I am rushing so quickly toward happiness that I step over the joy that is right here, right now?

Here are some of the gifts I have received from my cats - reminders really - of how to live life with minimum stress:

Stretch several times a day.

Bathe yourself often.

Shed what is no longer useful for you.

If you have an itch, take care of it.

Take frequent naps.

Do not resist what is.

Be ready for anything.

Keep your balance at all times.

Make entertainment out of simple pleasures.

Learn to relax almost anywhere.

Know what you want.

Trust yourself.

Be curious about everything - it's the spice of life.

Take in stroking from others.

If someone is doing something that bothers you, leave.

When you want attention, ask for it gently, and persistently.

Sleep when you are tired.

Purr when you are satisfied.

Cuddle up close to the ones you love.

David Larson is a Life Fulfillment Coach. He works with people who want to live exceptional lives. He can be reached at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

Will You Choose To Let Yourself Feel Good Today?

Psychiatrist Eric Berne discussed in his book, Games People Play, how we tend as human beings to set ourselves up to feel bad. It seems illogical that we would do this.Yet when I observe myself and others, I have noticed many of us seem to have an obsession for doing so.

One way we do this is to value having control over being at peace. I have often heard people say something like this: “I expect things to go wrong, so that when they do, I'm not so disappointed.” It's as if we would rather things go negatively in the future and be right, than to feel good in the present right now.

We might be like young woman I met on a plane a few years ago who was so afraid the plane would crash, she was already experiencing the fear as if we were crashing in that moment. She brought the terror of an unlikely future event into the present so she could feel bad now.

I recognize ways I have done this include reacting negatively to an unexpected bill in the mail or worrying that someone won't like me. Do you ever experience struggling with anxiety like this?

This dynamic is all unconscious, of course, so we may be surprised when we notice such a pattern in ourselves, even if we've been doing it for many years. We are like the fish who has been in water so long, it doesn't even know it's in water.

One way to cope with, and even change this self-destructive phenomenon, is to let ourselves choose conscious awareness. For example, few of us realize without thinking about it much, that now is all we have, and the future is just a fantasy. We make it up. Even when the so-called “future” comes, it is only a now in that moment. In other words, there is no way to the future. There is only experiencing the now.

So what will you do with your continual, everlasting now?

I invite you to join me in staying focused on what is good about this very moment. Let 's let go of punishing stories about our past or anticipated disappointments about the future. What's good about what's happening right now?

Even if we are in physical pain or financial turmoil, or there is stress in our job or in our relationship, there is much to focus on that is still good. We can choose this.

Remember, you have always survived every crisis thus far in your life, and you will continue to do so. Know that life itself survives - and can still thrive - within you. Let's no longer pummel ourselves about our past or scare ourselves about the future. Let's find gratitude for what is in this moment.

It's time to feel better. Right now.

Love in Action: Can a Nation Learn from a Church?

Recently I attended a gathering of my church, the Southeastern MN Lutheran Synod Assembly, where representatives of 184 congregations came together to discuss what we believe and why, and sort through challenging issues of our day in light of the Christian faith we share.

In one resolution this year, Lutherans are considering a Recommendation on Ministry Policies to allow non-celibate gay or lesbian persons to serve as ordained pastors in the Church, if called by a congregation to do so. There would be no religious sanction in favor of nor restriction against allowing such a pastor to serve, and individual congregations would not be required by anyone else's proclamation to accept or reject gays. Each congregation and each bishop is supported in being bound by their own conscience to do what they think is right, without forcing any other congregation or bishop to respond in the same way.

This is a compromise of sorts, as the Lutheran Church has struggled with how to reconcile sacred scriptural texts with the realities of human experience.

Those who are familiar with the Christian faith know of the Scriptures such as Romans 13:10, “Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love fulfills the law," I John 4:7-8, "He who loves is born of God and knows God; he who does not love does not know God, for God is love," and Matt 22:36-39, where when Jesus was asked by the Pharisees to sum up his message in a concise statement, gave us "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Jesus did seem to spend much of his life showing us what that love meant: including people, welcoming, forgiving, supporting, encouraging, giving hope. One need only remember his protection of the prostitute who was to be stoned according to the “law” for sleeping with someone who was not her husband, or his encounter with Zacchaeus the crooked tax collector, or his association with nobody fisherman - to know that for Jesus, love meant accepting, not condemning; confronting judgment, not participating in it; and believing in the capability of all human beings to be of service, to be capable of love.

Some disagree with this understanding of Jesus, citing passages such as Lev. 18:22, Rom 1:26-27 or I Cor. 6, 9-10, all of which have been used by some faithful Christians to justify excluding, judging, and rejecting their brothers and sisters who are gay.

Thankfully, the brilliance of the Lutheran Church's Recommendation, which acknowledges the varied and often opposing passionate perspectives of Christians from both sides of the issue, calls us to be sensitive to each other's feelings. It places unity of spirit ahead of agreement on social issues, and honors the sincerity of each Christian's faith, despite different personal points of view. In this way, all are respected for their opinions, and we live the love of giving freedom to others, not controlling them. This approach allows us to continue to worship, commune, pray and support each other in living out the life and love of Jesus as each of us feels called to do, regardless of our differences. In this document, Lutherans agree to disagree.

Although Christians on neither side of this issue 'win” over the other, we remain respectful of the traditions, insights and revelations given each of us in our relationship to God. We stop fighting.

What we do end up agreeing on is that our love for each other trumps needing to have others see it our way. Caring becomes more important than being right. God's children with gay orientation not only have a chance to come “home,” but are allowed to love and serve their Creator as fervently and passionately as straights. Those opposed to welcoming gays are not forced to do so, but allowed to follow their own conscience as well. Instead of making one group wrong or right over the other, it is Love that wins, for the benefit of everyone.

Perhaps we as Americans can learn from the Lutheran Church. As fellow citizens, no matter what our positions on immigrants, poverty, taxes, or any other issue that divides us, we can come together acknowledging we are all Americans, all brothers and sisters of the same nation. In fact, it would do well for us to remember we are all citizens of the same world, all needing to be heard, loved, and kept in the family.

It is uncertain whether the Recommendation discussed here will pass at the National Church Assembly in August. But I treasure the attempt we are making to keep the love of Jesus foremost, ahead of dissenting personal beliefs about a subject on which disagreement still abounds.

May Grace rule our hearts, challenge our thinking, and guide our behavior.

Guidelines for Decision Making: What Do I Do?

Recently a friend of mine asked me how I go about making decisions. I hadn’t thought about this in a while, and it proved to be an enlightening conversation. I want to share part of what I learned both about myself and from others who joined the discussion.

Perhaps the following questions will help you as you move forward to make decisions that are meaningful and aligned with who you are.

1) What choice brings me the most joy?

Of all the emotions that guide us, joy is one that is among the most powerful. When I allow joy to guide me, I discover I not only have more fun, but am moved toward what gives my life meaning. I can give much more from a full gas tank than from an empty one. The right choice for me is usually not that which leads to suffering, but rather to joy. My choice, therefore, is not so much what I should do, as much as it is about what I want to do.

2) What will help me grow?

We aren’t put on this planet to stagnate, but to increase our ability to understand, love, create, and contribute. The better choice for me is often the one that stretches me to learn, to develop a skill, or to deepen my connection with those around me. So, often when deciding which way to turn, I ask myself which choice better supports or challenges me in being a better me?

3) Does the choice I’m making energize or deplete me?

Next to the joy factor, following my energy is my most important signpost. Decisions that are right for me most often enliven me, not drain me. Whether its deciding to change jobs, accepting a volunteer opportunity, visiting relatives, or choosing a recreational activity, doing what gives me energy not only makes for a satisfying choice, but strengthens me for greater service.

4) What do I need?

This goes beyond doing what I want, but considers what will be best for me, my body, my family, or my spiritual/emotional growth. Do I need to take a nap or a work out? Do I need to visit with a friend or have quiet time with myself? Do I need more information before moving ahead? Making sure my needs are met assures I will be best positioned to respond to the needs of others.

5) What does my intuition say?

We all have wisdom within that is smarter than the logic in our heads. We can know without knowing how we know. The mind can talk us in or out of anything, but our heart knows the truth. Is it safe to venture out in this storm? Can I trust him on a date? Who do I need to forgive? More and more I’m taking time daily to listen to the still, small voice. Are you?

6) What decision brings me the most peace?

We are created to be creatures of peace and joy. As someone once said, “Joy is peace dancing; Peace is joy resting.” What brings me the most peace – to invest or not invest? To apologize or refuse to apologize. To get the job done or delay it? To hold a grudge, or the let it go?

7) Does it serve my life purpose?

If you do not know your life purpose, it is important you find out, for how can you make decisions that lead you on your journey if you don’t know where you are going? What decision aligns with your mission? What is the most loving thing to do for all concerned? What serves the greater good?

8) Is it self-loving?

Does going to school or work when I’m sick honor me? Do I eat when I’m hungry, sleep when I’m tired? Do I beat up on myself inside my head or treat myself with kindness? There is not a decision I can think of that is not enriched by including the principle of self-love. This principle is so important that Jesus himself commanded that we love ourselves as much as we love others.

9) Is it easy?

Although some decisions feel treacherous to me, particularly if they represent a conflict in my values or if I am lacking information about the consequences of my choices, many times i step over the easy choice because I think it needs to be hard. It is often helpful for me to consider: Am I following the flow or resisting what is? Do I have to put our more energy than it’s worth? Does it feel like I’m swimming up stream or floating downstream? If I’m struggling, can I let go or redirect myself? If I notice I’m pushing up-hill, can I find an easier way? Am I willing to reach out to others for support?

10) Prayer

Call it meditation if you like. Quiet time. Openness to a Higher Power. There is a force greater than ourselves, and it will assist us if we let it. Struggle is optional. Releasing worries is recommended. Not going it alone brings guidance and relief. Asking for help often yields…help!

There you are. Ten ways to get clear on everyday or infrequent-but-important decisions. Be patient with yourself. You needn’t wait to be 100% sure before deciding. Often guidance comes to me while I’m in motion. Make your choices with confidence. Know that there are no mistakes, only lessons. Follow your heart.

(David A. Larson is a licensed psychologist, personal coach, and leadership trainer. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

To Teach or To Learn, That Is the Question

It was a beautiful morning in Minnesota, high 60’s and sunny. A slight breeze brushed my face as I set out on an invigorating walk around the lake.

Along the way I met a woman walking two enthusiastic small dogs, Shih Tzus I think, trotting along in a way that prompted their faithful owner to pick up the pace a little. The dogs were cute. They exuded jubilance, seemingly passionate and grateful for the opportunity to be outside, with an apparent insatiable thirst for discovering what could be around the next turn.

I noticed the woman admonishing the dogs with harsh comments like “No growling!” Jerking on the leashes she uttered, “Come on!” in a somewhat critical tone. Later, after I had turned around to head for home, I came across the same woman and her dogs, and again heard similar mutterings from owner to pets.

What struck me most is that the pristinely white dogs seemed to ignore the verbal harshness, and did not seem to take her remarks personally. They continued their happy spirit, remaining ever present to what excitement lay ahead, and never lost their enthusiasm for what possibilities their own walk around the lake held for them.

I learned a lot from the dogs that day.

How many times has someone spoken harshly to me, and I have reacted with offense, sending my own mood downward as I judged and criticized that person’s treatment of me?

What if I approached such situations like the furry friends I had observed walking around the lake? What if I just ignored the putdowns, the criticisms, the attacking words, and stayed focused on the opportunities that lay before me in the immediate present and future?

What if I refused to take anything personally and kept my attention optimistically on where I was headed rather than resenting the behavior of my ornery friend? What if I accepted people where they were at, forgave them immediately, and hung onto my own joy?

What if I knew what dogs knew, that what anybody else says or does need have no effect on my feeling good? What if I remembered that my only task is to look for what’s good, and let joy reverberate through my bones and radiate from my face?

Not long ago I was visiting my friends who have a black lab as a housemate. I noticed that this charming creature would walk up to me where I was sitting, looking forlornly into my face, hoping I would pat or scratch it’s head.

If I did not respond, she would go to the next person in the room and make the same request. If no one in the room responded to her, she would retreat to a nearby rug or corner and patiently wait for another opportunity when we might be ready to acknowledge her appeal. Her patience was remarkable. Throughout the process, she never whined, never complained. She didn’t bark or whimper, or argue in any way. She trustingly believed that what she wanted was coming her way when the time was right, and all she needed to do was keep asking.

How often can I ask and not be put off if I do not get the response I want immediately? Can I take someone’s refusal gracefully? Can I understand that people are sometimes not ready or able to respond to my requests without developing resentment toward them? Do I have the persistence to keep going after what I need, no matter how many times I am turned down? Do I believe it’s worth continuing to try?

If I am willing to learn anything from my above dog friends, I will overlook any harshness or judgments from others, forever keep my eyes on the possibilities ahead, and never give up asking for what I want. I will maintain a patient, forgiving attitude toward everyone. In this way, I can insure my best enjoyment of life, remain open to every present moment’s gifts, and stay in charge of my moods, regardless of the attitudes of those around me.

Is it our job to train the dogs, or their job to train us? Who are the most willing students?

(David Larson is a licensed psychologist, personal life coach, and leadership trainer. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at 507-373-7913 or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )

Why the Economic Crisis Will Save Us

Nobody likes pain. We avoid it. We complain about it We talk about it at the coffee shop. We look for swift relief. And we judge it as bad.

A pain we all seem to be sharing lately is an economic one. The inevitable consequences of our choices over the last 30 years or so - spending beyond our means, believing the ends justify the means, compromising our integrity and values, putting money ahead of service, and believing what each of us does individually doesn't effect others - have come back to bite us.

The good news is that there is a silver lining in every challenge, and in this case, the silver lining is huge.

Consider these perspectives of where we've been:

Over-indulgence with clearing forest land for bigger houses, parking lots, and shopping malls has removed the vegetation that absorbed excess water from rain, melting snow, and storms. This has contributed to producing 1100% more wildfires, 260% more floods, and 921% more in economic catastrophe losses than 3 decades ago.

Choosing convenience and comfort over frugality and clear-headedness, we increased fossil fuel consumption every year since 1965, destroying ozone layers and multiplying CO2 levels in the atmosphere to the point we are in danger of destroying the planet that is our home.

We have, without paying much attention, or perhaps because we thought we could get away with it, overstuffed ourselves to the extent that the average American has gained a pound a year over the last 20 years, doubling our obesity rate in the same time period. One-third of us are now dangerously overweight, contributing to our poorer health and already out-of-control health care costs for which we are now paying the piper.

We had become a nation that was out of control.

The good news of pain is that its a powerful motivator. It gets our attention. And herein lies our salvation.

Our apathy has been replaced with a caring about how business is run in America. We have returned to a deepened concern over our environment. We have renewed our interest in funding education, infrastructure, and alternative energy. We have awakened our sensitivity to treating those different from us as equals.

More are seeing that the needs of the poor do matter as much as the wants of the rich. We're developing a sharpened perception that we're all in this together. More of us are considering that acknowledging our unity and engaging in cooperation could yield better results than manipulating and cheating to beat out our competition. We're noticing that helping our neighbors feels better than ignoring them. We have returned to the sanity that paying our overdue bills has once again become important.

The gift of pain is that it causes us to do something different. We are good people, and we're learning from our past choices.

We have ushered in a new era of hope. We are now confronting the abuses of the past and returning to American values of honesty, openness, integrity, hard work, and caring for those next door. We've been bounced out of denial into an awakening. We are acting like the America our world neighbors have been hoping for. We've begun the road back.

Although the pain is uncomfortable, it has saved our future. We're very lucky. As we channel our anger, angst, new awareness, and attention to doing what's right, the possible becomes inevitable - we will make our world a better place.

(David Larson, M.S., C.P.C.C., is a licensed psychologist, life coach, and leadership trainer. He can be contacted at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website www.callthecoach.com