Will You Choose To Let Yourself Feel Good Today?

Psychiatrist Eric Berne discussed in his book, Games People Play, how we tend as human beings to set ourselves up to feel bad. It seems illogical that we would do this.Yet when I observe myself and others, I have noticed many of us seem to have an obsession for doing so.

One way we do this is to value having control over being at peace. I have often heard people say something like this: “I expect things to go wrong, so that when they do, I'm not so disappointed.” It's as if we would rather things go negatively in the future and be right, than to feel good in the present right now.

We might be like young woman I met on a plane a few years ago who was so afraid the plane would crash, she was already experiencing the fear as if we were crashing in that moment. She brought the terror of an unlikely future event into the present so she could feel bad now.

I recognize ways I have done this include reacting negatively to an unexpected bill in the mail or worrying that someone won't like me. Do you ever experience struggling with anxiety like this?

This dynamic is all unconscious, of course, so we may be surprised when we notice such a pattern in ourselves, even if we've been doing it for many years. We are like the fish who has been in water so long, it doesn't even know it's in water.

One way to cope with, and even change this self-destructive phenomenon, is to let ourselves choose conscious awareness. For example, few of us realize without thinking about it much, that now is all we have, and the future is just a fantasy. We make it up. Even when the so-called “future” comes, it is only a now in that moment. In other words, there is no way to the future. There is only experiencing the now.

So what will you do with your continual, everlasting now?

I invite you to join me in staying focused on what is good about this very moment. Let 's let go of punishing stories about our past or anticipated disappointments about the future. What's good about what's happening right now?

Even if we are in physical pain or financial turmoil, or there is stress in our job or in our relationship, there is much to focus on that is still good. We can choose this.

Remember, you have always survived every crisis thus far in your life, and you will continue to do so. Know that life itself survives - and can still thrive - within you. Let's no longer pummel ourselves about our past or scare ourselves about the future. Let's find gratitude for what is in this moment.

It's time to feel better. Right now.

Love in Action: Can a Nation Learn from a Church?

Recently I attended a gathering of my church, the Southeastern MN Lutheran Synod Assembly, where representatives of 184 congregations came together to discuss what we believe and why, and sort through challenging issues of our day in light of the Christian faith we share.

In one resolution this year, Lutherans are considering a Recommendation on Ministry Policies to allow non-celibate gay or lesbian persons to serve as ordained pastors in the Church, if called by a congregation to do so. There would be no religious sanction in favor of nor restriction against allowing such a pastor to serve, and individual congregations would not be required by anyone else's proclamation to accept or reject gays. Each congregation and each bishop is supported in being bound by their own conscience to do what they think is right, without forcing any other congregation or bishop to respond in the same way.

This is a compromise of sorts, as the Lutheran Church has struggled with how to reconcile sacred scriptural texts with the realities of human experience.

Those who are familiar with the Christian faith know of the Scriptures such as Romans 13:10, “Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love fulfills the law," I John 4:7-8, "He who loves is born of God and knows God; he who does not love does not know God, for God is love," and Matt 22:36-39, where when Jesus was asked by the Pharisees to sum up his message in a concise statement, gave us "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Jesus did seem to spend much of his life showing us what that love meant: including people, welcoming, forgiving, supporting, encouraging, giving hope. One need only remember his protection of the prostitute who was to be stoned according to the “law” for sleeping with someone who was not her husband, or his encounter with Zacchaeus the crooked tax collector, or his association with nobody fisherman - to know that for Jesus, love meant accepting, not condemning; confronting judgment, not participating in it; and believing in the capability of all human beings to be of service, to be capable of love.

Some disagree with this understanding of Jesus, citing passages such as Lev. 18:22, Rom 1:26-27 or I Cor. 6, 9-10, all of which have been used by some faithful Christians to justify excluding, judging, and rejecting their brothers and sisters who are gay.

Thankfully, the brilliance of the Lutheran Church's Recommendation, which acknowledges the varied and often opposing passionate perspectives of Christians from both sides of the issue, calls us to be sensitive to each other's feelings. It places unity of spirit ahead of agreement on social issues, and honors the sincerity of each Christian's faith, despite different personal points of view. In this way, all are respected for their opinions, and we live the love of giving freedom to others, not controlling them. This approach allows us to continue to worship, commune, pray and support each other in living out the life and love of Jesus as each of us feels called to do, regardless of our differences. In this document, Lutherans agree to disagree.

Although Christians on neither side of this issue 'win” over the other, we remain respectful of the traditions, insights and revelations given each of us in our relationship to God. We stop fighting.

What we do end up agreeing on is that our love for each other trumps needing to have others see it our way. Caring becomes more important than being right. God's children with gay orientation not only have a chance to come “home,” but are allowed to love and serve their Creator as fervently and passionately as straights. Those opposed to welcoming gays are not forced to do so, but allowed to follow their own conscience as well. Instead of making one group wrong or right over the other, it is Love that wins, for the benefit of everyone.

Perhaps we as Americans can learn from the Lutheran Church. As fellow citizens, no matter what our positions on immigrants, poverty, taxes, or any other issue that divides us, we can come together acknowledging we are all Americans, all brothers and sisters of the same nation. In fact, it would do well for us to remember we are all citizens of the same world, all needing to be heard, loved, and kept in the family.

It is uncertain whether the Recommendation discussed here will pass at the National Church Assembly in August. But I treasure the attempt we are making to keep the love of Jesus foremost, ahead of dissenting personal beliefs about a subject on which disagreement still abounds.

May Grace rule our hearts, challenge our thinking, and guide our behavior.

Guidelines for Decision Making: What Do I Do?

Recently a friend of mine asked me how I go about making decisions. I hadn’t thought about this in a while, and it proved to be an enlightening conversation. I want to share part of what I learned both about myself and from others who joined the discussion.

Perhaps the following questions will help you as you move forward to make decisions that are meaningful and aligned with who you are.

1) What choice brings me the most joy?

Of all the emotions that guide us, joy is one that is among the most powerful. When I allow joy to guide me, I discover I not only have more fun, but am moved toward what gives my life meaning. I can give much more from a full gas tank than from an empty one. The right choice for me is usually not that which leads to suffering, but rather to joy. My choice, therefore, is not so much what I should do, as much as it is about what I want to do.

2) What will help me grow?

We aren’t put on this planet to stagnate, but to increase our ability to understand, love, create, and contribute. The better choice for me is often the one that stretches me to learn, to develop a skill, or to deepen my connection with those around me. So, often when deciding which way to turn, I ask myself which choice better supports or challenges me in being a better me?

3) Does the choice I’m making energize or deplete me?

Next to the joy factor, following my energy is my most important signpost. Decisions that are right for me most often enliven me, not drain me. Whether its deciding to change jobs, accepting a volunteer opportunity, visiting relatives, or choosing a recreational activity, doing what gives me energy not only makes for a satisfying choice, but strengthens me for greater service.

4) What do I need?

This goes beyond doing what I want, but considers what will be best for me, my body, my family, or my spiritual/emotional growth. Do I need to take a nap or a work out? Do I need to visit with a friend or have quiet time with myself? Do I need more information before moving ahead? Making sure my needs are met assures I will be best positioned to respond to the needs of others.

5) What does my intuition say?

We all have wisdom within that is smarter than the logic in our heads. We can know without knowing how we know. The mind can talk us in or out of anything, but our heart knows the truth. Is it safe to venture out in this storm? Can I trust him on a date? Who do I need to forgive? More and more I’m taking time daily to listen to the still, small voice. Are you?

6) What decision brings me the most peace?

We are created to be creatures of peace and joy. As someone once said, “Joy is peace dancing; Peace is joy resting.” What brings me the most peace – to invest or not invest? To apologize or refuse to apologize. To get the job done or delay it? To hold a grudge, or the let it go?

7) Does it serve my life purpose?

If you do not know your life purpose, it is important you find out, for how can you make decisions that lead you on your journey if you don’t know where you are going? What decision aligns with your mission? What is the most loving thing to do for all concerned? What serves the greater good?

8) Is it self-loving?

Does going to school or work when I’m sick honor me? Do I eat when I’m hungry, sleep when I’m tired? Do I beat up on myself inside my head or treat myself with kindness? There is not a decision I can think of that is not enriched by including the principle of self-love. This principle is so important that Jesus himself commanded that we love ourselves as much as we love others.

9) Is it easy?

Although some decisions feel treacherous to me, particularly if they represent a conflict in my values or if I am lacking information about the consequences of my choices, many times i step over the easy choice because I think it needs to be hard. It is often helpful for me to consider: Am I following the flow or resisting what is? Do I have to put our more energy than it’s worth? Does it feel like I’m swimming up stream or floating downstream? If I’m struggling, can I let go or redirect myself? If I notice I’m pushing up-hill, can I find an easier way? Am I willing to reach out to others for support?

10) Prayer

Call it meditation if you like. Quiet time. Openness to a Higher Power. There is a force greater than ourselves, and it will assist us if we let it. Struggle is optional. Releasing worries is recommended. Not going it alone brings guidance and relief. Asking for help often yields…help!

There you are. Ten ways to get clear on everyday or infrequent-but-important decisions. Be patient with yourself. You needn’t wait to be 100% sure before deciding. Often guidance comes to me while I’m in motion. Make your choices with confidence. Know that there are no mistakes, only lessons. Follow your heart.

(David A. Larson is a licensed psychologist, personal coach, and leadership trainer. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com )