What drains a marriage, and what brings life to it? In this series I am addressing several common stumbling blocks that threaten our relationships, as well as thoughts about responding to these concerns.
One common pitfall that would spring a leak in our marriage boat is our attempt to make our partner like ourself. For the most part, human beings have an egocentric nature. We tend to interpret life events from our own perspective and believe our way of doing things to be right. This is the time to remember that there are often many right ways to do most things. Looking for the one right way can be self-limiting. Defending one right way can mean distancing ourselves from our partner.
Sometimes disagreements are about little things, like where to hang the towels, or how to clean the bathroom. Other times the issues are bigger like how to spend the paycheck this week or how to discipline a child. The truth is there are many effective ways to clean a bathroom or discipline a child. If I am willing to let my mate do it his/her way more often, I may be able to side-step a lot of needless hassle, and save that energy for something more productive – like looking for what my mate is doing well.
It is helpful to us to remember that our mate is a unique individual. In fact, it was this uniqueness that we once thought made this person "special". We admired our partner’s esteemed attributes and chose this person because we thought he/she was the best of all the choices we had encountered. Remember, the celebration of diversity is the spice of life in all communities, whether those communities are towns, churches, workplaces, or families.
It is important to know we do not have to "win" over our special one to our position. Our own opinion or feeling about something is very valid, as valid as our spouse's opinion or feeling. Harmony does not mean agreement. It means respecting and blending the differences to make something more beautiful. A C-note does not argue with an F-note on a musical scale. Both are uniquely different and both have something wonderful to offer. Together they may sound quite complimentary. The combination of the two may, in fact, enhance certain chords, such that if one were missing, the impact would be disappointing.
This week, then, make a conscious effort to appreciate your spouse's uniqueness. Do not insist on making your way their way. Observe and enjoy the variety of experiences your different personalities bring to your home. In fact, count them. Make a tick or a check mark on your calendar, notebook, or fridge for every time you notice a special offering from your mate to you or your family. It may be a look of love, the hugging of a child, telling a joke, sweeping the floor, picking up socks. Count up those marks at the end of the week (and month!) Let yourself smile as you see yourselves as equals, yet different, celebrating a partnership that enhances you both.
David Larson, licensed psychologist, is a marriage coach, counselor, and leadership trainer. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website, www.callthecoach.com)
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