As a professional who has
provided treatment for sexual assault victims for more than 30 years, it’s been
interesting to watch the development of current social awareness and mega-news
coverage about the topic. As I write
these words, my heart is heavy, and at the same time, hopeful, that we will
come out on the other side of this more sensitive and caring for one
another. What could be more important
than that?
I submit the following food for
thought for those who might be interested:
1) Almost every woman I know has been sexually harassed, many of
them multiple times throughout their life.
99% of women who speak of being sexually assaulted are telling the
truth, and many of them, even when they speak up, still minimize the details of
their stories, out of the pain of remembering, or fear of being judged or not
being believed. I’m glad women are
coming forward to be heard. For many,
the assaults have deeply impacted their professional, personal and sexual lives
more than many men can comprehend. It is
important for all of us to pay attention to this reality.
2)
Not all women are irreparably damaged by sexual harassment. Some are able to choose not to be offended by
the misjudgments of men, seeing the men involved to be immature, confused, or
emotional needy. These women do not personalize the actions, and are able to avert
life-long hurt and maintain their sense of value, refusing to let being
victimized define who they are. These
women are rare, and I always admire their ability to hold their sense of
dignity when it has been threatened.
3)
Although it is the exception to the rule, I know that not all
women who come forth with stories of sexual assault are telling the truth, and
it is important to refrain from judgment of either the accused or the accuser
until the stories can be ferreted out to be sensitive to the needs of all
involved. I believe that just as it has
been a mistake for us as a society to immediately discount the stories of women
as they come forth with their pain, it is also a mistake to immediately judge
the accused as guilty as if the story HAS to be true, and that the men involved
should be punished without a chance for due process.
4)
It has become entirely possible to ruin a man’s life and
reputation, and create havoc and deep personal pain, including causing him to
lose his job, simply by telling a story, even if it is untrue. This puts all
men at risk of being judged and rejected by society, regardless of their
innocence or guilt, simply by an expression of a grievance, anger, or mental
illness in a disparaging way. Generalizing guilt to all men accused can be a
serious (but understandable) misjudgment given the intensity of rage justified
at those men who have been known to abuse.
5)
I do know from working with men over many decades, that we are
often confused about how to express our interest women. We fumble. We are
anxious. We guess. We try.
We often don’t know we are offending until the offense occurs. Often attempts to support and express
admiration or comfort can be interpreted as unwanted behaviors. It is important that men learn how to express
their interest in women in respectful ways, even though many women think men
should already know how to do this. More understanding and information needs to
be shared openly between the sexes without the anger attached that men “should”
know when a woman wants to be touched, for example, when in reality, both men
and women often don’t know how to tell.
6)
I, personally, have experienced a number of women attempt to
seduce me by making sexual advances and invitations towards me. I have not blamed them or been angry at them.
I have realized they were not trying to hurt me. I have not sought for them to
lose their jobs. I have realized they are just trying to feel good, and I don’t
blame them for that. My response was
simply to make myself clear, “You and I will not be doing that.” When the boundary I have set has been heard
and respected, the relationships have often been able to continue within those
boundaries, and these women have remained my friends. For those who could not honor those
boundaries, the relationships could not continue. Not every sexual harassment claim has to cost
someone their job or have them ostracized from society, particularly when the
accused did not know ahead of time the action would be unwanted, or their
support would be interpreted as threatening, or if he/she apologizes and
expresses a commitment to learn more.
Forgiveness and understanding is possible in some cases, and I have
known both men and women to have made this choice with dignity and honor.
7)
As we sort through this messy topic that has impacted so many
people in hurtful and devastating ways, I recommend we not let our anger cloud
our evaluation of what is said, but that all involved are honored with the
greatest respect for their feelings and chances to respond and recover. Reconciliation is not possible in all cases,
but neither is it advisable that we conclude all cases should be treated with expulsion
and punishment without examining the particulars of each situation.
8)
When we villainize men whose infractions have been brought to
their attention, apologized in response to the mis-step, and then forgiven by
the one sharing their story, we send a message that men must be perfect to be
acceptable, that they are unforgivable, and we leave no room for them to grow
or change into the men we want them to be.
Vengeance has never led any society forward, and must be watched
closely, lest we squash the reconciliation we desire. I believe in
accountability, but also question the wisdom of punishing someone who has not
hurt us personally, and has already been reconciled with their accuser. This is us choosing to go to war over a
matter that those involved have already chosen peace.
9)
I know that many will criticize me for taking a balanced
position on these matters, and that most of those strong reactions will come
from those with unfinished anger and pain around personal experiences that cause
them to think I am being too soft on protecting women. They would be mistaken, though, not to
understand I have spent most of my life protecting and standing for women (and
men) who have been hurt, and will continue to do so, because, quite frankly,
they deserve it.
Comments/Discussion welcome.
