Love in the Midst of Denial: An Appreciation of Those Who Face Their Fears

Psychology is known as the observation and prediction of human behavior.

As a psychologist, denial is a fascinating thing to watch. It is a strategy we use to protect our emotions when we feel we do not have the capability to cope with the truth.

For example, we recently experienced the driest year (2021) in the Western United States in 1200 years (Journal of Nature Climate Change). Moreover, the direction of increasing droughts cannot be reversed. There are not enough cooling ice masses left to cool the planet. 

Many studies have also concluded that 2/3 or more of our COVID deaths could have been avoided if our government had not denied the virus in the beginning - that's 600,000 people that could be alive today had we the courage to face truth.

As in most cases of denial, the situation does not go away as we hope, but continues to escalate until we can no longer ignore it. Many will need to continue to block awareness in order to deal with their anxiety about coping with reality. Thankfully, others have confidence they can face real challenges and do something positive to influence what hurts people.

The oceans have risen about 12 inches in the last 100 years. We are at a pace now that it will only take 30 years to rise the next foot (National Oceanic and Atmoshereic Administration). Since 40% of the US population live on the Coast, people there are impacted faster than those in the middle of the country ($40 billion damage expected, to be paid by rising insurance premiums and tax dollars).

If there's ever a time for love (actually its always been a time for love), it is now. Empathy is being able to understand the experiences of others without having to experience them ourselves. It's being willing to be educated about what's going on around us, even though it may not yet affect us directly. (In Boston Harbor, for example, contractors erect buildings on hydraulic pillars so the buildings can be raised as the ocean level rises.)

It is not helpful to judge those in denial, for we are all doing the best we can with the skills and awareness we have. Hats off though, to those who are aware, and do what's necessary to improve humanity while others remain unable to face what is.

As the old song goes, "Love, love, love, that's what it's all about!" Today, I salute those who are paying attention and care enough to act reponsibly in a time of true need. I appeciate you. :-)

Guns in the USA Update

In the last 8 years, gun sales have doubled from about 20 million to 40 million per year. (70% of sales are handguns.) We have more guns per capita than any other country, including Yemen, The Falkland Islands, Serbia and all the Scandanvian and European countries.

In the last 8 years, guns deaths have risen along with the increase in number of guns from about 32,000 to 40,000+ per year.

44% of American homes have guns, with the average gun owner possessing 5 firearms. Gun owners or their family members are 3x more likely to die from a gunshot than the non-gun-owning families.

As has been shown world-wide, as the number of untracked guns increases, so do the deaths, and visa versa. In Canada, for example, gun deaths went down 50% when buyers were required to have background checks and register their guns. In the United States, 40% of guns are sold without background checks or registration, and 191 our of every 192 guns in US are not registered.) 

In another example, in Australia mass shootings declined 95% over 10 years once semi-automatic firearms were restricted.

In an examination of 130 studies in 2016, death reduction occurred when stricter gun safety standards went into effect in 10 different countries around the world. (ABC). 

In the year following when the Brady Bill went into effect in 1993, 400,000 illegal guns were kept off the streets. Research shows us time and time again that the more safety controls that are put in place regarding gun use, the safer societies become.

Because of the popularity of civilian gun ownership in the United States, it's likely that we will overtake Brazil as having the highest rate of gun deaths per capita in the world. But it is helpful to know that if we moved in the direction of gun safety, honoring life like countries such as New Zealand, Japan, or Italy, many lives would be saved.

Most guns are purchased out of fear, and are used for "protection." However, 98% of all guns fired at a humans are used against people offensively, not defensively. In other words, except in the most violent corners of our nation, we are 50 times more likely to hurt someone else with our guns than for our guns to protect us.

We will never eliminate firearm deaths, but we could use successful strategies of other gun-toting countries to get us out of being in the top 1% most likely countries in the world to be killed by a gun.

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Jan. 1, 2022

My thoughts as we begin the New Year: 

 

We all hope that this year will be better than the last.  We hope for freshness, newness, unity, and relief from stress.  We hope for health (and not just physical health).  We hope for joy, for peace, for an end to hate and violence.  We hope we will be reborn with new attitudes, new vigor, new excitement for what will come.

 

I am reminded of Albert Einstein’s quote:  “We cannot solve our problems with same level of thinking we used to create them.”

 

A Course in Miracles student will know that holding grudges, blaming others for wrongdoing, or getting angry at others or what’s happening in the world, is not only ineffective in solving the world’s challenges, it creates them.  It reinforces our false belief that judging others or pressuring others to change will solve our problems.

There’s another quote from Einstein where he whimsically, yet truthfully observes:  “Two things are infinite.  The universe and stupidity.  And I’m not sure about the universe.”

 

“Stupidity” sounds like a judgment to me; I would have chosen a different word.  But I believe Einstein is referring to how readily we accept misinformation, the lack of desire to seek truth, and how we forego love in favor of condemnation or thinking we're superior to others, or think that violence (verbal or physical) can change the world.  This is trying to solve the world’s problems with same kind of thinking that created them.

 

This must change or the world will not change.

 

If we want a better 2022, it is each of us that must change.  We must embrace love & forgiveness.  We must see people for what they are capable of, not for how they are acting in the present.  We must see the light in each other instead of the darkness. We must release the idea that resisting others, doing harm to others, or seeing ourselves as better or smarter, or more deserving than others, will somehow move us forward.

 

I want a better 2022 than 2021.  Do you?  In order for me to create a better world, I must be better at loving, better at supporting, better at seeing every human being as my equal, better at being sensitive the needs of those different from me.  I must be better at caring instead of rejecting, better at welcoming rather than excluding.  I must give up judgment of others and turn it into understanding.  I must trade my desire to be right for a desire for what’s best for everyone, not just myself.  

So, here are some of my intentions for the coming year.  If you see fit, join me in whichever of these make sense to you.  Ask yourself, how can I change my thinking this year that will lead to a better 2022?

 

1)   I commit to understanding my neighbor’s behavior instead of judging it.

 

2)   I trust the Light that I am to be a positive influence, instead of doubting whether I can make a difference.

 

3)   I forgive without exception any behaviors that I disagree with.  I acknowledge everyone is doing their best.

 

4)   I will forgive myself for my mistakes, as I forgive others for theirs.

 

5)   I will have empathy, not condemnation, for those whose internal pain causes them to inflict pain on others.

 

6)   I will watch for those who have less than I’ve been given, and seek to share what I have with them, as a sign I trust I always have enough, and that everyone is as worthy as I to be blessed.

 

What intentions would you add?  How will your thinking be different from the past, so that the hope you have for a better world this year becomes a reality?  

 

I agree with Einstein that only upgrading our thinking, our awareness of truth, our willingness to change ourselves, has any hope of changing the world we experience.

 

I am committed to doing my part.

World Peace Hints from the Dali Lama

Listening to the Dali Lama this week, I became more aware of cultures and religions around the world and how they contribute to either war or peace.

No country is perfect, and no religion is perfect, yet there do appear to be some themes over the years that provide insight.

Buddhism, based on a theme of peace and respect for human beings and all of life, has been one of the more peaceful religions of the world for centuries. Tibet and other Asian countries like Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, and countries like Costa Rica and Switzerland, have lived fairly consistently through the centuries (or at least have learned from their histories), and remain today, countries of peace.  

Buddhists study compassion and logic. Western countries, often based in Christianity, tend not to learn from their history, and large segments of society devalue study and logic in favor of emotional and judgmental responses.

The only way to create world peace is through inner peace. Otherwise we project our inner violence outward. Meditation is rare in the Western world. Threrefore inner peace is rare, and it follows outer peace is rare.

Buddhism has at it's core a concern for others rather than claiming rights. The Buddhist concentrates on developing the mind/spirit as opposed to "modern education" with its emphasis on thinking rather than connecting with God, Love, and wisdom of the heart (peace).

Buddhists tend to manage fear and suspicion much better than westerners, who have their thinking based in a more violent religion. The Crusades, Hitler's Germany, the slaughter of Native Americans, and even recent conservative Christianity with its attack on kindness, love, sexual orientation, and emphasis on racism and exclusion, are examples of how we tend to promote violence rather than peace.

Americans, in particular, often find themselves fighting with each other rather than cooperating for the good of all. (Think of the military budget of the United States, which exceeds the combined military budgets of the next 12 most military-enhanced countries of the world combined together. We also seem to pride ourselves in owning and distributing more than 1/2 of the world's guns to our citizens, finding comfort thinking violence will protect us from what we fear.)

Thankfully, there are still many Christians in the United States that seem to promote the ideas of compassion, inclusion, respect for life, and concern for fellow humans as core to their faith. This is where Christianity meets Buddhism and other religions of the world that focus on minimizing self-centeredness and are focused on caring for others.

I would be curious to hear from non-violent Christians and also Buddhists who are more familiar with their faith than I am. A respectful and non-attacking dialogue is encouraged.

I think the main takeaway for me from the Dali Lama's recent remarks is that if we want peace in the world, we have to create in within ourselves. What cultures and religions contribute to that end? How are you personally doing this for you?

People Speaking in Code

 I woke up this morning a little "achy" from a day of extensive digging in the landscaping yesterday.

It would have been easy for me to complain about how my body was hurting, not responding the way I would have it be in my imagination.

Then I "listened" to what my body was trying to say. I decided what it wanted was some stretching! It wasn't trying to attack me. It wasn't betraying me. It wasn't trying to make my life hard.

It wanted attention, nurturing.

So I stretched.

As I listened more, I heard it request a soak in the tub to relax and restore my muscles.

That's what it got.

Guess what? It's no longer screaming for my attention. I listened beyond the moaning to what it was needing and responded.

(Carol with some of the rocks we dug out of the ground to make room for plants)

Then I thought of how often I interact with humans who are cranky and a bit irritable. They aren't always out to get me. They aren't necessarily trying to be cruel. They aren't nasty or trying to take something from me.

They're asking for love. They want me to hear what they're not saying in my language. Their pain represents a need for which they don't often know how to ask me directly for help.

So, today, I will look for how circumstances that might seem unpleasant on the surface, are an opportunity for me to hear an expression of suffering, a request for help.

Seems like a way I can be of service, instead of bothered by those who, as one of my clients once said, "are speaking in code".

They speak in code because they don't know how to ask. They are hoping I am better at listening than they are at asking.

Their whining, complaining, gossiping, and other expressions of pain, are calling me to a higher awareness, to being a better person, more compassionate, more understanding.

How does your body talk to you? Tiredness,? Fatigue? Aches and pains? Relxation? Calm? Do you know its “foreign” language? What is it needing from you? Rest? Nourishment? Water? Exercise? ? Less sugar? A Nap?

How do your fellow humans speak to you in a language you may miss? What does their negativity say? Their whining? Their agony? Their complaining? Can you hear the language they’re speaking? Can you hear what they’re asking for when they don’t know how to ask for it? Remember, a complaint always has a hidden request in it. Do you hear the request, or judge the language the person is using to express it?

My goal is to listen better this week.

How to See Heaven on Earth

Most of the world does not understand that we are One. 

That is why when we attack others internally with our thoughts, or externally with our words, we also feel attacked.  In fact, we feel so attacked, that we use that feeling to justify having attacked others.  And so we are caught in an endless exchange of verbal and emotional assaults.  We create our own hell.

 

It is because we are One that when I judge you as ‘wrong’, I also feel like you think I’m ‘wrong’.

 

When I focus on what I see as your weaknesses, I seem to have anxiety that you will see mine.

 

If I see you as guilty, I will feel like you have judged me.

 

It is because we are One that:

 

When I give you peace, I feel peaceful as well.

 

When I celebrate you, I feel like I’m part of the celebration.

 

When I lighten your load, I feel lighter too.

As A Course in Miracles teaches us, “All that I give is given to myself.” (Lesson 126)

 

We do not stop hate by hating.  We do not get rid of ‘badness’ by judging each other as bad.  We do not feel relief by condemning.

 

We feel grace when we give grace.  We feel the impact of forgiveness when we give forgiveness.  When I seek to cheer you up, I cheer up myself.

That is because we are One.  Everything comes from us, and comes back to us.

 

We think our interactions are with others.  That is an illusion.  All of our interactions with others have the impact of us interacting with ourselves. 

 

Whatever I give, I get.  It’s why those who hold grudges never find happiness.  It’s why those who withhold freedom from others, are always never quite feeling free enough themselves.  It’s why those who complain see complaint everywhere.  It’s why those who are angry inside, see so much anger in the world.

 

It’s why when you buy someone else a meal, you always experience one coming back to you.  It’s why when you join a committee to serve, you are blessed by the relationships of others who serve with you.

 

And it is why those who love unconditionally, experience the awareness that they cannot be out-given, and that the more they give, the more they feel like they have enough.

 

Welcome to heaven.

It's True. The Truth Sets Us Free

Those of us in the United States remember our country was built on a desire and passion for freedom. Yet I notice many do not feel free these days - free from fighting with one another, free from angst, from fear. We are victims of our own anger and projection of our shortcomings. We are bombarded, consumed with tension, chaos, and attacking one another. We miss friends and family from which recent events have separated us, both physically and emotionally. We long for times when our dream of love and peace, of security and good-will, of cooperation and mutual caring are the rule.

A guy revered by many, Jesus, once said, "The truth will set you free." And it is in resisting truth our problem lies.

Not surprisingly, Jesus' comment meshes with one of the Course In Miracles lessons (#27), "Above all else, I want to see."

If we want to escape the world of self-created suffering, we must be willing to see the truth. Our egos tempt us to believe 'only I have the truth', 'I'm right and you're wrong', and 'If you would change, everything would get better." If each of us insists that only we have the truth, we will stop looking for it, and we will not find it.

We all know people who are not open to learning what they don't know. They are frustrating to be with, aren't they? We cannot overcome the fears people have of facing the truth. What we can do is insist on being committed to seeing the truth ourselves - and, with those who are open, have a commitment to finding it together. That is the path to freedom.

In order to do this, we must set aside our prejudices, what we've been taught in the past, our allegiances to hanging onto what we believed before was right, and be open to the search. We must see people as innocent, troubled, bound by fear, too frightened that the truth will destroy them, when they do not yet know the truth will set them free. If you're one of those who thinks the truth doesn't matter, or that you can't really find out the truth, or are committed to what you or others have made up is the truth without checking it out, it is one way you seal yourself off from the happiness you desire. We think being right will set us free, but no, it is the truth that will set us free. If we are not willing to challenge our own beliefs, we can never enjoy experiencing our connection as siblings in the same family of the God who created us all.

In order for freedom to reign in this county, we must find a way to agree on how to determine the truth, or we cannot unite around it. We must be willing to explore together how to find out what the truth really is. The only way this is possible is if each one of us loosens the grip on our ego, and commits to finding the truth, to be open that our perceptions of the past may have been incomplete. We must be willing to drop our defenses, look for what is, even if it's uncomfortable, if we are to win back our freedom.

Today I commit to search for the truth, and invite all human beings to join me. In doing so, we will finally set ourselves free.